


Missing Episodes

by Cress221



Category: Arrested Development
Genre: M/M, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-01
Updated: 2013-07-01
Packaged: 2017-12-16 18:49:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 33,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/865390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cress221/pseuds/Cress221
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael needs a few weeks to recover from his operations in The Sword of Destiny, and Gob helps him do it. Meanwhile, the rest of the family have to deal with George Sr's schemes, and a surprise revenge by Annyong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Accidents Happen

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work in progress that was started years ago, so Tony Wonder doesn't really figure in the plot, at least so far. He's just mentioned briefly.
> 
> Unlike my shorter fics, this one has more plot and tries to incorporate the rest of the Bluths more. It also tries to recreate the style of the show, using narration, flashbacks, and bleeps, as if this was an actual episode that got cut from season 2.

Narrator, over the credits: Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything, and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. It's _Arrested Development_.

Narrator: Michael Bluth was finally coming home from the hospital...

Lindsay and George Michael both helped Michael get out of the back of George Sr.'s car. Michael had a cast on his right leg, and he was still getting accustomed to using his crutches.

Narrator: ...after a series of botched surgeries performed by this man...

A closeup photo of Dr. Stein, which pulls out to reveal a newspaper article with the title, "Dr. Frank Stein's license revoked for monstrous creations."

Narrator: ...and a car accident with his son.

Clip of George Michael driving the car straight into Michael.

Still feeling guilty, George Michael hung his head and muttered softly, "I'm so sorry, Dad. So sorry..."

"That's all right, son. It wasn't your fault. It was your Aunt Lindsay's for teaching you how to drive." Michael cast a glance at her.

Lindsay replied, "Ha ha. You're just jealous that you didn't get to teach him yourself, in your uptight, overbearing way. You have a real problem with control, Michael, and that's why you have an ulcer."

Narrator: After fixing Dr. Stein's blunders, Dr. Fishman was finally able to give Michael a correct diagnosis.

Clip of Michael lying in a hospital bed, while Dr. Fishman tells him, "It seems that the original cause of your symptoms was an ulcer in your stomach. Tell me, do you have a lot of stress in your life?"

Pull back to reveal a bunch of FBI agents around the bed, waiting to question Michael about the leaked video.

George Michael protested, "Well, Dad was trying to let go of some control by letting me drive home. It's just that I-I didn't know how to handle a normal car after learning on the stair car."

Lindsay nodded. "Yeah I hate that thing. But you know, neither of you would have even been out there if Michael didn't insist on leaving the hospital because he thought that the Bluth company would collapse without him."

"Yeah," Michael admitted with a sigh. He tried not to let the guilt bother him too much, though, because of his ulcer.

They all walked to the porch together, and Michael shrugged off any assistance in going up the steps. He still wanted to appear in control, and didn't even like depending on his crutches. Soon they entered the front door, and Michael also insisted on going down the foyer steps by himself.

A couple of Chinese screens were set up in the dining room, to preserve the surprise behind them, while the living room was decorated with get well balloons and a banner that read "Welcome home, Michael." (It was clearly patched together from the old "You're killing me, Buster" banner.)

As Michael entered the living room, the rest of family greeted him with warm exclamations of "Welcome home!" and "Michael!"

He smiled politely and answered, "Thank you. I never thought I'd be so glad to come home."

Gob was standing on his Segway, which had a ribbon on it now, and he tried to ride the Segway nearer, but he got caught on the carpet and also had to maneuver around everyone, who wouldn't make way for him.

Maeby gave Michael a friendly hug. "Hi, Uncle Mike. Are you feeling better now?"

"Well, yes, I--"

"Master Bluth! You're home!" Mrs. Featherbottom popped out of the dining room late and gave an exaggerated, awkward curtsy.

Maeby sighed and rolled her eyes, while Michael glanced at Lindsay critically for letting Tobias's charade continue, just because she wanted a housekeeper to do the chores she was too lazy to do. "Uh, hello, Mrs. Fu--Fe--" He couldn't remember the name now. "Mrs. F. You're still working here?"

"Yes, and may I say what a great relief it is to have you back, sir! Not stuck in hospital or an FBI interrogation room--"

"Oh, shut up!" Lucille irritably shooed Mrs. Featherbottom away. "No one's paying you to chatter, now get back into the kitchen and cook dinner!" She gave Michael a kiss on the cheek, then sipped her drink and remarked, "Good help is so hard to find."

Before Michael could comment, he was caught off guard by Gob, who finally jumped off his Segway and hugged him warmly.

"Michael!"

"Oh! Gob." Nearly tipping over on his crutches, Michael regained his balance, then tolerantly patted his brother on the back. "Uh, good--good to see you too."

Clinging too long, Gob kissed and nuzzled his face like a slobbery dog.

"Um, Gob..." Michael prodded him with a crutch and pushed until he let go.

Gob said excitedly, "Hey, I have a present for you--"

"Oh, that's nice. I'll open it later."

"No, but Michael--" he gestured to his Segway, but Michael had already hurried away on his crutches.

Gob pouted.

Michael decided to sit on the couch, so he lowered himself down and leaned his crutches nearby. He smiled and waved across the room. "Hi Buster!"

"Hey, brother!" Buster waved his hook back at Michael, but inadvertently caught on the banner, ripping it down. He giggled nervously. "Sorry."

"It's okay, buddy," Michael said. "Uh, can somebody help--?"

Oscar came over first and patted Buster's shoulder paternally. "Don't worry. We'll patch it, good as new, and put it back up." He helped get the banner off Buster's hook, while George Michael joined them.

As Michael relaxed on the couch with Lindsay and Maeby, he looked up at a vent toward his father, hoping that he felt guilty for all the trouble he caused.

In the attic, George Sr. saw Michael's glare and said defensively, "Hey, it wasn't my fault! That video was just for the company employees!"

Clip of George Sr. in a turban-like towel saying "This is my demand!" while Michael walks into the frame.

> Flashback to the scene at the hospital, where an FBI agent asks Michael, "So if you were never in Iraq, then how did you get into this video with your father? It was timecoded the same day you went to the hospital. Where is that attic?"
> 
> "Um, well there are a lot of Bluth houses that look like that."
> 
> The agent warns him, "It's a crime to obstruct a federal investigation, Mr. Bluth. You could be in serious trouble if you're withholding the whereabouts of your father."
> 
> While Michael ponders whether to turn his father in, he gets an idea. "I-I didn't--That's not my father in the video. That's my uncle Oscar. Yeah, he's dad's identical twin. See, uh, he's wearing that towel on his head so that you can't see his long hair. He was just, um, goofing around in the family attic with Dad's old glasses and a video camera when I walked in on him the other day. Then, um, I think that my brother-in-law Tobias must have found the tape and thought it was a real message from my father, so he showed it to the Bluth company employees. This is all a big misunderstanding."
> 
> Narrator: Luckily, the FBI believed Michael's story and didn't detain him.

George Sr. watched the welcome home party enviously, muttering, "Come on, Tobias! You're supposed to sneak some food up to me! I'm starving." Then he caught a glimpse of Oscar. "Look at him, the hippie bastard! Sleeping with my wife, and partying with my family, and taking my place! Why, I oughta lure him up here and knock that grin off his face!"

Narrator: As George Sr. tried to come up with a plan, Gob tried to give Michael his present again.

Gob rode over to the couch and explained, "Michael, look, I-I brought you my Segway. I'm giving this to you until you get your cast off; now you can get around without those crutches."

Michael blinked and now noticed the ribbon on the Segway. "Oh, that's for me?"

"Yeah." Gob took off the ribbon and showed that he had changed the 'president' lettering to say 'present'. "Come on, get on and I'll teach you how to drive it."

"Oh, uh, that's a nice thought, Gob, but why don't you keep it? With my medication I'm not really supposed to be operating any heavy machinery."

"Oh."

"Thanks anyway." Michael didn't actually consider the Segway to be heavy machinery, but he did think it was rather silly-looking and unprofessional. It probably wouldn't be efficient for taking any long rides into the city, either. He asked Lindsay, "So, uh, have we figured out who's going to drive me to work tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow? Michael, you shouldn't go back to work so soon! You should just stay home and rest for a while."

"But I ought to at least check in on the employees and show them that I'm all right."

"Mom already told them at a board meeting how you were, and that you'd come back in a couple of weeks. It's about time that you took a vacation."

"A vacation? No, I can't afford to be away for so long. I've already been in the hospital a week, and we've got those 18 houses to build--"

Lucille said, "And they're building them, Michael. Everything's fine, and they can hold it together for a couple of weeks. I put Ted in charge because he's the one who had the idea to move the offices down a floor."

Lindsay added, "Yes, the world goes on even if you're not running things, Michael. You've really gotta learn to take it easy, with your ulcer."

"But two weeks!"

George Michael said, "Please, Dad! You gotta take care of yourself." He looked rather vulnerable for a moment. "I was so scared when you were in the hospital, having so many operations... I thought you might never leave."

Michael finally realized how upset and worried George Michael had been, despite putting on a brave face. Maybe he had even been reminded of his mother Tracey's long hospital stay before she died. "I'm sorry." Michael hugged him. "All right, I'll stay home for you. But maybe we can set up a teleconferencing thing from here so I can see them at the office. Then I won't worry so much."

"Fine," Lindsay said. "If it'll help you to stop being paranoid. But it has to be a real vacation."

"Yeah."

After putting the Segway in a corner, Gob came back and sat down. "You'll get better soon, Michael. You got the good doctor now. Yeah, that guy fixed me too." Gob held up his two fingers, to show that they were reattached normally, after Buster sliced them off with a sword.

Michael shrugged and agreed, "Yeah, that guy's not so bad, as long as you don't immediately believe everything he says."

Narrator: Dr. Fishman had a habit of speaking too literally.

Clips of Dr. Fishman saying, "We lost him" (George Sr.), "it looks like he's dead" (Tobias), and "He's lost his left hand, so he's going to be all right" (Buster).

Narrator: But at least he was better than Dr. Stein.

Clip of Dr. Stein saying, "But once I got in there, the appendix wasn't so inflamed. D'oh."

Gob wiggled his fingers and rambled on, "I'm even getting some feeling back in them lately, so I'll be able to do my magic again soon."

Michael frowned and shook his head, "No please! No magic at this party, Gob. I'm not in the mood for a trick."

Gob pouted, and decided that it wasn't worth it to correct Michael that he performed illusions, not tricks. He hadn't been planning an illusion anyway, because he needed to regain more dexterity in his fingers.

Mrs. Featherbottom announced, "Dinner is served!"

"Oh, good!" They all got up and went to the dining room, opening one of the Chinese screens to reveal the surprise.

George Michael told his dad, "We made a special dinner just for you."

"Oh really? Is it my favorite--?" Then he stopped in front of the table, and his face dropped when he saw the array of mostly white, steamed, and boiled foods.

George Michael explained, "It's everything on the list your doctor gave us."

"But it's so bland. I mean Ann. I mean, Egg--eggs everywhere." There were various preparations of eggs in some of the dishes.

"Yes, but we made sure to watch out for the cholesterol. No butter, no salt, no pepper, no spices--"

"No flavor," he groaned.

Lindsay reminded him, "You have an ulcer, Michael! You shouldn't eat anything that could irritate your stomach."

"I know! But I should be okay if I just take my medication and some antacids."

"Michael, you know it's more serious than that!"

"But come on, I was stuck in that hospital for over a week eating horrible food, or getting an IV drip. I want some real food now. Even a cornball or Bluth banana or something!"

Lucille said, "Michael, you're just being a big baby. We have to eat all this food with you."

"But you can add butter, pepper, salt, and spices!" He pointed to the condiments at the far end of the table from his chair.

Oscar said, "Hey, relax!" and started giving Michael a shoulder massage. He shrugged it off and said, "Stop it!"

"Dad!" George Michael couldn't understand his father acting so childishly. "At least sit down and try it. We did this for you."

He sighed and apologized. "I'm sorry. I don't know what's gotten into me. Maybe my pain pills are wearing off."

George Michael helped his father sit down and put his crutches aside, while Lindsay went to check Michael's prescriptions.


	2. A Bad Mood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now we get into the Michael/Gob angst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The "study" is what I call the room in the model home that contains the small desk, brown leather couch, bench with cushions, and a globe. This room has open doorways leading to the living room and the dining room, and it also has a third entrance, a door to the patio outside.

Narrator: It was not merely Michael's ulcer that bothered him, but also the abdominal pains leftover from Dr. Stein's unnecessary surgeries and Dr. Fishman's necessary corrections. Michael's medications also dulled his appetite.

Michael tried to eat his meal, but he kept enviously watching the rest of the family dining. He couldn't even have any coffee or soda because of the caffeine, nor any citrus juices because of the acidity. It was just plain water, to complement his plain food.

Even when he tried to eat quickly, in order to leave the table sooner, George Michael said, "Dad, you have to chew slowly. Remember what the doctor said?"

Michael groaned and started to hate Dr. Fishman. "Maybe I need to get a second opinion."

"Uncle Mike!" Maeby even kicked him under the table, because his constant grumbling was upsetting George Michael.

Michael apologized, then excused himself to the bathroom. "Can somebody hand me my crutches?"

Gob volunteered and beat George Michael to the job.

Michael was surprised by his eagerness to help. "Thanks, Gob."

"I'll get the door for you," Gob said, following along as he exited the dining room. They headed up the steps to the bathroom, just off the foyer, and Gob asked at the door, "You need any help inside?"

"What? No, I'm fine. Uh, hold these for me." He went inside and shut the door, locking it for good measure.

While Gob waited outside, he turned and saw Mrs. Featherbottom going to the stairs with a covered tray of food. He came closer and asked, "Where are you going?"

"Ah!" Tobias yelped like himself for a moment, before regaining the accent. "Oh, pardon me, Master Gob. I'm--I'm just, um, taking some goodies upstairs, in case Master Bluth feels hungry later tonight. This way, he doesn't have to clamber downstairs on his crutches for a snack."

Narrator: Actually, Mrs. Featherbottom was taking food to George Sr. in the attic.

"Oh." Gob watched her go upstairs, then turned around when Michael unlocked the door. He rushed back with the crutches just as Michael opened the door.

"Uh, thank you."

Gob was happy that he had done something right tonight; Michael hadn't appreciated anything else he did, and for tonight at least, Gob ached for his approval.

After getting on the crutches, Michael didn't immediately head back to the dining room. He stood there, feeling grumpy.

"You okay?" Gob asked.

Michael hesitated, glancing toward the dining room, which was still partly obscured by the Chinese screens. Then he whispered, "Do you think I could just tell them I'm tired, and go to bed?"

"You don't wanna eat?"

"No, not that stuff."

Gob offered, "You want some candy beans?" He pulled a small bag of jelly beans out of his pocket.

Michael brightened up, but asked cautiously, "They're real? They're not some trick beans, or magic beans?"

"No, they're real." Gob ate one and then gave another to Michael.

Michael tried to reach for the bag, but Gob pulled it back. "You can't have too many. It'll make you sick."

Michael chewed on his solitary candy bean and pleaded, "One more?"

So Gob gave him another one. He liked feeding Michael like this. Putting it into his mouth, brushing his fingers against Michael's lips. He wished that he could hug Michael again and not be pushed off.

Michael noticed that Gob was lingering with his touch and standing too close, so he backed up and said, "Uh, we better get back now." He turned on his crutches and went back to the dining room, while hurrying to chew and swallow before he got caught.

Gob put his candy beans away and followed him, realizing sadly that Michael would even rather go back to that awful dinner than be alone with him.

* * *

Michael slowly struggled through the rest of his dinner. Mrs. Featherbottom came back and fluttered around Michael, making comments about how healthy and pink he was, and even trying to sing Mary Poppins-esque songs to coax him to eat.

Michael looked nauseated, and Lindsay firmly told Mrs. Featherbottom to go back to the kitchen.

"Fine. I'll--I'll go see if Master Tobias has come back from work yet." To Michael, she added, "He was very sorry that he couldn't be here to welcome you home, but he had very important things to do at the office--"

"Get out!" Lindsay and Lucille shouted together.

Mrs. Featherbottom withdrew, then Michael frowned and realized something, "Was he wearing one of Tracey's maternity dresses underneath that apron?"

Narrator: He was.

Michael regretted not being fully recovered yet. "God, I'll kick his ass!"

"He might like it," Lindsay said, then looked depressed when she realized that it was probably true.

Maeby sighed, and George Michael also looked a little irritated that Tobias had the nerve to wear that dress.

Narrator: After getting out of his makeup and disguise, Tobias had the bad timing to arrive when dinner was over.

Tobias started to greet Michael enthusiastically, but Lindsay coldly interrupted with, "You're late."

"Yes, I know that," he said, and tried to make up an elaborate story about something important he had to do for the Bluth company, but Michael would not hear him out.

"Tobias, when you're done visiting your daughter, see if you can find Mrs. Featherbottom and tell her not to wear any dresses out of the attic, and that, after she's come back from changing her clothes, she should clean up all these dishes tonight before she leaves."

Narrator: Tobias realized then that George Sr. had been wrong to say that he could wear Tracey's dresses from the boxes in the attic. Apparently, to Michael, there was a difference between George Sr. wearing those clothes, and Tobias wearing them.

"Um, uh, yes," Tobias stammered deferentially. He looked pale, realizing that not only would he have to change into Mrs. Featherbottom again, but he would have to go home to get another disguise, because he could not use any of the dresses up in the attic. Also, he was not being invited to stay the night after all his housework was done. It was hell not living at the model home anymore.

Even Gob was surprised by Michael's verbal smackdown, but then again, he was also cranky because of dinner. Lucille smiled a little and raised her glass, evidently approving of Michael's choice of punishment. "That's my son."

Up in the attic, George Sr. also said, "That's my son!" even though it would be inconvenient to him for his accomplice to be occupied for the rest of the night. But George Sr. was simply filled with pride to know that Michael had some genuine Bluth ruthlessness in him after all.

Gob wished that someone, anyone, would approve of him like that.

Oscar had a momentary urge to put his hand on Buster's shoulder and say, "That's my son!" too, but Lucille saw him and gave him a death glare.

Everyone got up to leave, and George Michael fetched the crutches this time. He tried to convince his dad to relent a little and let Tobias/Mrs. Featherbottom stay the night, if only for Maeby's sake. Maeby on the other hand seemed angry at Tobias, and reluctant to spend time with him now.

Gob stared after Michael and longed to be close to him again, but maybe, given his current mood, it was not possible tonight. Michael might be more of the scolding parent this time, and not the kind brother who tolerated his foibles.

* * *

After dinner, Lucille, Oscar, and Buster decided to go home, while the others returned to the living room and watched TV.

Michael talked with his son for a little while before saying, "Oh fine. Tell him that Mrs. Featherbottom can stay on the couch. But it's just for tonight, because there's so many dishes to clean."

"Thanks, Dad."

Then Michael sighed. "I'm tired now. I'm going to bed early."

"Really?"

Before George Michael could volunteer, Gob came forward and offered to help Michael to his bedroom.

"All right." George Michael went off to talk to Tobias, while Gob helped Michael stand up and go to the stairs on his crutches.

As they walked up, Gob constantly hovered and asked, "If Tobias stays on the couch, then where do I sleep?"

"What? Oh you're staying the night? I thought you were living with a girlfriend or something."

"No, uh, I've been staying at my wife's house while she was off in the army. But what with the divorce and me losing her $250,000 seal, she kicked me out."

"Oh, right." Michael had forgotten that Gob was married.

Gob said, "So I brought my stuffs here earlier, before you got home, and I thought I could stay here for a while. I mean, I could help you out until you get better."

Michael said, "Fine, but you can't bring any of your dates here. You have to get a hotel room for that or stay at her place."

"Okay," Gob said. "But where do I stay tonight? I don't wanna sleep in the study, too close to the guy." (Gob liked sleeping in nothing but his silk robe and boxers.)

"Um, well you could tell Tobias to go stay up in the attic." Michael figured that George Sr. wouldn't mind the company for once.

"The attic? You're gonna let him near Tracey's clothes again?"

"What? Oh." Michael frowned.

Gob opened the bedroom door for him, then got out of the way. "I know. I'll go stay in the attic tonight. All my stuffs are already there."

"Really?" Michael blinked and wondered how George Sr. had managed to hide from him. "Wait, Gob, don't go."

Gob came back and looked hopeful. "Yeah?"

Michael said, "Come here and close the door."

While Gob did that, Michael hobbled to the bed and sat down, putting his crutches aside.

Gob sat next to him, as close as he dared.

Michael asked, "When exactly did you put your stuff in the attic?"

"This morning. But I found some weird things lying out--like, a table, a tea party set, and some dolls. Maybe Tobias was messing around with everything in the attic."

"Oh yeah. You didn't actually see him, or anybody else there?"

"No. 'Cause I would have asked for some help lugging all my stuffs upstairs. I think everybody was either visiting you in the hospital or going out to buy all that food for your dinner."

Narrator: George Sr. had actually been there during Gob's move, but he was hiding inside the Aztec Tomb.

Clip of Gob moving in his "stuffs" (magic props like the Sword of Destiny, along with the toys and gadgets that he had in the office when he was president of the Bluth company) while George Sr. waits impatiently for him to go, whispering to himself, "He better not move Polly and everybody."

"Oh." Michael was disappointed, because it would have been nice if someone else in the family (besides Tobias) knew that he was harboring George Sr.

"What's the matter?" Gob asked him.

Michael considered for a moment whether to confide in his brother, but given how he'd panicked over finding the signed Saddam contract in the briefcase, Michael decided against it. So he said, "I-I don't think you should stay in the attic, Gob. Um, maybe you can stay in Lindsay's room. She's got an extra twin bed since Tobias moved out."

"Oh, I guess so." Gob cheered himself up by thinking that Michael was looking out for his comfort.

"All right, so goodnight, Gob. Can you turn off the lights on your way out?"

"Okay. Uh, Michael, you don't need any help changing out of your clothes?"

"What? No, I can do it myself."

"Are you sure? Even with that cast? Oh, hey, I should give you my stripper pants."

"What?"

"You know, when I used to strip with the Hot Cops. You could wear my pants and pull them on and off real easy over your cast."

Michael shook his head at the absurdity. "I can't wear stripper pants like normal pants."

"Why not?" Gob stood up and ripped off his pants, to reveal that they were stripper pants.

Michael looked shocked and blushed. Apparently Gob minded being nearly naked around Tobias, but he had no problem stripping in front of Michael.

Gob realized that Michael was not pleased, so he grabbed his pants and covered his legs. "I'm sorry. I'll go." He hurried out and closed the door, but could be heard putting his pants back on in the hallway.

Narrator: Gob had been expecting a better reaction.

Clip from _Good Grief_ of Gob yanking off his stripper pants in front of Buster, and Buster being impressed.

After Gob left and turned off the lights, Michael sat there in the dark for a few moments, before he began undressing. As he took off his pants, he accidentally knocked over the crutches that he had leaned on the bed, and they hit him. "Ow!"

Now Gob's idea of stripper pants didn't sound so bad. He reached over and turned on a lamp on his nightstand so he could see.


	3. Candy Beans

After changing into his pajamas, Michael took his various medications, then got under the covers and turned off the lamp. He continued to worry about Gob's behavior for a while, but finally dozed off, just glad to be back in his own bed again.

Later that night, Michael slept soundly as the door opened and Gob came inside. Barefoot and wearing a robe over some pajamas, he also had his bag of candy beans with him. (Lindsay had not agreed to let Gob sleep in just boxers in her room.)

Gob closed the door, then tiptoed near and sat on the bed gingerly. He watched Michael sleep and hoped that he wasn't mad about the stripper pants. After a moment, Gob gave in to his desire and leaned down to hug him, close enough to hear his heartbeat.

But then Michael gave a start and woke up. "What? Who's there?"

Gob pulled away and spoke without thinking, "Nobody."

"Gob?" Michael's eyes adjusted to the darkness, and he shook off his grogginess. "What--what are you doing here? You're supposed to be in Lindsay's room."

"I know. But I-I couldn't sleep, and I, uh," he hesitantly held up the bag, "I thought you might want some candy beans."

Michael sat up, but didn't take the beans. He glanced at the clock, and saw that it was well after midnight. Apparently everyone else was asleep, and the house was very quiet and still. Michael frowned and tried to read Gob's face. "Let me get this straight--you came here, in the middle of the night, to give me a thing of candy beans?"

Gob answered defensively, "Well, if you don't want the candy beans, just say you don't, Michael! I just thought I'd do something nice for you, since you probably didn't eat that tray of food Mrs. Featherbottom left you, and--"

"What? What tray?"

"You know, the tray that she brought up to your room, so you don't have to climb downstairs for a snack."

"What are you talking about?" Michael reached over and turned on the bedside lamp, showing him that there was no tray in the room.

This confused Gob. True, he hadn't seen the tray in the room earlier, but he had only been paying attention to Michael at the time. "But I saw her bring it upstairs during dinner. You were in the bathroom, and I asked her about it."

After some thought, Michael realized who the tray was really meant for, so he told Gob, "Oh, well, you know Tobias. Maybe he just snuck up to the attic to eat while the rest of us were having dinner."

"Oh. But why wouldn't he just eat in the kitchen?"

"I don't know. Maybe he wanted to pick out another dress for tomorrow, or to have a tea party with those dolls."

"Oh, okay. I guess that's why he lied." After a moment, Gob asked awkwardly, "Um, well, you still want the candy beans?" He didn't wait for an answer, just setting the bag down on the nightstand. "Here. Bye." Then he started to get up and go.

Michael stopped him. "Wait."

Gob turned back and looked at his brother, almost hopefully.

Michael asked, "You explained the candy beans, Gob, but what about...? I mean, did you hug me because--? Was it just--?" But no, he couldn't ask that question. That was an unspeakable question. Surely Gob did not feel that way? Surely he just being pathetic and needy, like always? Surely it was nothing more... disturbing?

Gob felt somewhat scared of Michael's scrutiny. But he knelt down in front of the bed and lied the best lie that he could come up with, "I just--I just wanted to make sure you were all right. 'Cause you were in the hospital for so long, and they, um, they said that your heartbeat was dangerously slow."

Michael blinked in surprise. "What, you were worried about me?"

Gob shrugged dismissively. "Everybody was."

Michael was actually touched. "It's just, I didn't see you much at the hospital."

"Well, I had to do my magic act with Buster, and then I had to get my fingers fixed, you know. Then I had to see Barry about my divorce, and I had to move out my stuffs."

"Yeah, I guess you were pretty busy." Michael nodded and finally relaxed a little. He reached for the candy beans and said, "Thanks, Gob."

Happy that Michael believed him, Gob smiled and said playfully, "Don't eat too many."

Michael smiled back and offered, "You want one?"

Gob grabbed a bean and ate it, while Michael did the same. Somehow, that moment erased the tension and made them just brothers again. It was simple and easy. Leaning back against the headboard, Michael chewed the candy and asked Gob curiously, "Did Buster really cut your fingers off?"

Pleased that Michael wasn't making him leave the room yet, Gob nodded and got up from the floor. He joined Michael on the bed and showed him his fingers in the lamp light. "Yeah, with the Sword of Destiny."

"Wow." Michael looked at the scars on his fingers, and touched them lightly. "I told you to be careful with that sword. You already stabbed yourself before."

Clip of Gob on the Segway, accidentally stabbing himself in the right leg when he misses the sword's scabbard.

"Hey, it's Buster's fault for not giving it to me handle first." Gob leaned against the headboard too and sighed. "Everybody at the Gothic Castle thought it was part of the act, so it took a while for anybody to call an ambulance. I was scared that I was gonna end up like Buster. You know, have to wear fake fingers or something, and not be able to do my magic anymore. I even thought, maybe Buster did it on purpose, 'cause he was still mad about me letting loose the seal that bit off his hand."

Michael ate another bean and said, "Well, he does have a temper."

Narrator: Buster had not taken Gob's confession about the seal well.

Clip from _My Hand to God_ of Buster furiously attacking Gob, followed by a clip of Gob and Buster being wheeled into the hospital, attached together.

"Yeah." Gob winced and rolled over to pat his ass, from which Buster's hook had been removed. "Sometimes it still hurts."

Michael looked at Gob's ass and found his eyes lingering for some reason. He even felt tempted to touch him too, and now everything had become weird and tense between them again. It was like when Gob fed him the candy beans before, or when he took off the stripper pants.

Gob noticed his stare and asked coaxingly, "You--you wanna see the scar, Michael?"

Michael hesitated and whispered, "Are you--are you still wearing your stripper pants under that robe?"

Gob shook his head. "No, I changed." But his deep voice seemed to make everything sound sexy.

Michael swallowed and met his eyes. 

When Gob shifted and rolled towards him again, Michael didn't back away. He kept watching Gob's eyes and mouth, as he ate and swallowed his candy bean. Then after a breathless moment, Michael leaned in. They kissed, softly at first, then more deeply, moaning and closing their eyes.

"Michael..." He said it in that low half-growl, while spilling the rest of the candy beans to the floor.

"Gob..." Michael could taste delicious spices in his mouth from dinner, and that made their kiss even more forbidden and enticing.

Narrator, rather disturbed by this development: It was at that moment that Michael discovered that he was just as sick and twisted as the rest of his family.

* * *

Narrator: Michael Bluth was kissing his brother. That's right, I said his _brother_. But in Michael's defense, he was heavily medicated, and this was not typical behavior for him.

Clip from _Shock and Aww_ of Buster sharing the bed with Michael. Buster is restless, rolling on top of Michael and even starting to hump him. Waking up, Michael pushes him off and tells Buster that he ought to move back in with his mother.

Narrator: Gob, on the other hand...

Montage of clips where Gob hugs and kisses Michael too familiarly, such as _The One Where They Build a House_ , when Gob thanks Michael for telling him he can cut the ribbon at the ceremony.

Narrator: …had a history.

Clip from _Not Without My Daughter_ where Gob mentions having had a threesome that involved a guy, clip of Michael defining the term "circumvent" while Gob mimes "the ol' reach around", and clip of Gob rocking on a chair with Gary the poof in his lap.

Still making out heatedly, they pushed aside the blankets covering Michael, then sank down on the bed together.

Michael reached to untie his brother's robe, and also began feeling for the scar that Gob had mentioned.

Gob shrugged off his robe and undressed him in return. Michael willingly took off his blue pajama shirt, but he frowned and resisted as Gob began lifting up the t-shirt underneath. "No, um, no," he said softly. "I don't want to--"

"You worried about your scars?" Gob asked. He firmly pulled up the white t-shirt anyway, kissing and caressing the surgical scars to reassure him.

Michael still seemed nervous at first, but he slowly got used to Gob's gentle attentions on his bare skin. "Mmm." Now enjoying it, he relaxed enough to let Gob completely pull his shirt off.

Pausing to discard his own shirt, Gob soon came back and nuzzled Michael's chest. He fondled Michael's nipples and sighed warmly, wanting to feel his heartbeat again.

But then Michael glimpsed his bedside photo of George Michael, and blinked, finally coming to his senses. He realized that he was shirtless, and running his fingers through Gob's hair. "Oh God!"

Gob mistook that for a passionate, "Oh God!" and continued kissing him, but Michael firmly pushed him away and sat up.

"Stop it! Stop it, Gob."

"What?" Gob blinked and looked up.

Michael quickly turned the photo face down on the nightstand and asked desperately, "What are we doing?"

"Each other," Gob replied simply. He was still picturing how great it would be, now that it wasn't some other guy, but Michael. Then he wouldn't even miss not having a woman here too.

Michael stared at him in horror and shook him. "We're brothers, Gob! Don't you realize that yet?"

Gob nodded, but his desire remained unabated. He tried to put his arms back around Michael and resume their activities.

Michael fiercely resisted and rolled away from him, shuddering. He didn't know why Gob didn't understand yet. Maybe his brain just shut off when he had sex; it would explain why Gob had recently consummated his marriage with his wife, even though it would make an easy annulment impossible. He just didn't think.

"Michael?" Gob tried to kiss his shoulder, before Michael pushed him off again.

"No! No, we can't do this!" Realizing that he'd spoken rather loudly, Michael glanced around in panic and listened to make sure that no one in the house had heard them and woken up. Then Michael looked toward the nearest air vent and suddenly became terrified that George Sr. was watching everything from the attic. He gasped softly "Dad!" and reached for some blankets to cover himself.

Confused, Gob frowned and whispered, "Dad? Where? He's not in Iraq?"

Michael realized his slip and found it almost laughable that he was still worried about keeping this secret for his father. He finally murmured brokenly, "I-I was just imagining what Dad would think, if he were here and he knew. Or what if Mom, or--or George Michael. Oh God, this is so sick and disgusting."

Gob looked hurt. "But you wanted to, Michael. We were--"

"But we're brothers."

"So?"

Michael turned back to him and couldn't believe his ears. "So? This is incest, Gob; it's crazy and unnatural."

"I don't care. I like this, and I thought you..." Gob searched his eyes. "Why did you kiss me, Michael? Why did you stare at me, huh, and ask me about my stripper pants?"

"I-I don't know." Michael gulped and stammered helplessly, "I just... st-stopped thinking somehow. The point is, that--that we've made a huge mistake, Gob, and we've gotta stop." He pulled the covers over his head now. "Will you just go already? Get out of here and leave me alone."

Rejected, Gob finally gave up arguing with Michael and got out of bed. He picked up his dropped clothes and put them on again before heading toward the door.

Michael was relieved, and he warned from underneath the covers, "Make sure that nobody sees you."

Gob briefly turned back and looked at Michael sadly, then he left and shut the door after him.

Alone at last, Michael turned off the lamp, then curled up and wondered what was wrong with him. "How could I do that? I mean, if it was Lindsay, maybe, but--ugh! What am I saying?" He shuddered and banged his head against the headboard repeatedly. "Sick, sick, sick, Michael!"

Narrator: While Michael continued to berate himself, Gob returned to their sister's bedroom.

Lindsay remained asleep when Gob came in and unhappily returned to the empty bed. He took off the robe and muttered, "Maybe if I'd just left the candy beans and didn't hug him..." But no, how could he regret what happened tonight, no matter how it ended? Gob stared at his fingers and recalled how Michael had touched them tenderly. He could still taste their hungry kisses and hear the way that Michael had sighed his name. Gob rolled onto his side and closed his eyes, imagining himself feeding Michael more candy beans.

Narrator: Meanwhile, Michael had stopped banging his head because it hurt, and he listened tensely again for any sounds in the house, fearing that George Sr. might come down from the attic to severely rebuke him.

Michael waited and kept looking toward the air vent with dread, but heard nothing. "Maybe Dad slept through it. Yeah, maybe they all did." Feeling better, he got out of bed and slowly hobbled toward the door without his crutches. As he locked it, he murmured, "I should have done this before. I should've kicked Gob out as soon as I woke up. God, how long has he been trying to seduce me?"

Returning to his bed, Michael shivered, then found his shirt tangled in the bed covers. So he put it back on and lay down again, but he remained troubled for some time. He even took out a photo of his wife from the nightstand and stared at it miserably.

Narrator: Oddly enough, since Tracey's death, this was the first time that Michael had taken off his shirt while intimate with someone.

Montage of clips of Michael having sex with Maggie Lizer and Sally Sitwell repeatedly, but never taking off his t-shirt. Maybe a clip of him with Beth Baerly too, if the footage exists.

Narrator: He had apparently developed a neurotic self-consciousness about his body, though not quite as severe as never-nudism.


	4. Narrow Escapes

Narrator: In the morning, Michael at first believed that he had dreamed the whole encounter with Gob.

Michael woke up and said to himself, "It was just a nightmare." But then he got out of bed and stepped on some candy beans on the floor. "(Bleep)."

Sitting back down, Michael brushed the crushed beans off the bottom of his cast, then huddled with his knees in front of him. He groaned. "What am I gonna do? I've gotta kick Gob out of the house."

At that moment, George Michael knocked on the door and called to him, "Dad? Dad are you up yet? You need any help getting dressed?"

Michael flinched and gulped. "Uh, no. I'm--I'm not going to work today."

"Yeah, and not for two weeks," his son said with a hopeful grin. "But how about getting ready for breakfast, or do you wanna have breakfast in bed?" He tried to open the door and come in, but couldn't. "Dad, it's locked. Can you open it?"

Michael felt reluctant to see anyone just now. "I'm--I'm not really hungry. Can you come back later?"

"But I have to go to school soon. Besides, you shouldn't lock the door, Dad, in case we have to come in and help you. Can you even get out of bed?"

Michael sighed and looked at his crutches, resting on the chest at the foot of his bed. But he still didn't want to get up, and he picked up Tracey's photo from the nightstand again. "I'm tired. Just let me sleep in."

"But you went to bed early last night. What's wrong?" Getting worried, George Michael went off and knocked on Lindsay's door. "Aunt Lindsay, Uncle Gob! Dad's locked himself in."

Lindsay yawned and came out in her pajamas. "What, he can't get out?"

"No, it's locked."

Lindsay tried the door and asked, "Michael, can't you get up? What happened to your crutches?"

"Nothing. I-I just wanna stay in bed. I'll come out later."

"Oh come on! George Michael just wants to see that you're okay." She teased, "Did you fall down or something? Or are you just cranky?"

Maeby also entered the hallway yawning. "What's going on?"

"My dad's locked in, and I don't think he can get up. Do you know how to open a door with a credit card, or a hairpin?"

Maeby scratched her head and reminded him who knew how to break into places. "What about Uncle Gob?"

"Oh, right! Thanks."

Narrator: Gob remained in bed and pretended to be asleep. He knew that last night wasn't a dream.

Gob lay in the twin bed and sighed mournfully, "Michael..."

George Michael came in and shook him. "Uncle Gob, wake up. I need your help. You still got your lock pick set, right?"

Narrator: Gob had once given George Michael the lock pick set to break into the permit office.

Clip from _Charity Drive_ , of George Michael and Maeby breaking into the office to plant files from the Bluth company.

In bed, Gob shrugged off his nephew and pouted. "It's in my other pants. My stripper pants." That made him choke up.

"What's the matter?"

Tired of all the fuss, Michael finally put down the photo and got out of bed, reaching for his crutches. "All right! I'll unlock it."

George Michael rushed back to the hallway, and when Michael at last opened the door, he hugged his father in relief.

Michael half embraced him while balancing on his crutches, but could not meet his son's eyes. "I'm fine. See?"

"Good," Lindsay said. "But don't lock your door anymore, Michael, until you get better."

"Yeah." Maeby left to get dressed, while Lindsay returned to her room.

George Michael asked his dad, "You didn't really fall down, did you?"

"No." Michael still looked away and sighed. "I-I just want to go back to bed now, okay?" He turned on his crutches and hobbled away again. "You go get ready for school."

But George Michael stayed. "Are you sure you don't want some breakfast, Dad? Look, I'll add a little flavor this time, for you. As long as you take your medicine first." He reached for the pill bottles on the nightstand, but stepped on some candy beans and looked down.

"(Bleep)." Michael sank down onto the bed and dropped the crutches.

George Michael asked, "Candy beans? Where'd you get these?"

Michael didn't answer, just putting his head down on his knees and feeling deeply ashamed again.

"Never mind. It doesn't matter." George Michael shrugged good-naturedly. "But are you gonna be okay, Dad? How many did you eat?" He knelt down and started cleaning up the mess on the floor.

Since the door was open, Lindsay came back and said, "Hey, Michael, I had an idea. You should try some herbal tea from Ancient Chinese Secret. I don't think it counts as caffeine, and--what's going on?"

George Michael told her, "Dad ate a thing of candy beans, and he doesn't feel well."

She laughed in amusement. "Really? So that's why you wouldn't open the door, because you didn't want to get caught. Naughty, naughty Michael!"

Michael groaned and lay down, pulling the covers over him again.

* * *

Narrator: While Lindsay and George Michael fussed over Michael, George Sr. came home after spending the night in his stolen SUV.

Clip of George Sr. wearing a wig from his God costume and driving around last night in the white Ford Escape. Then he parks it in the Sudden Valley lot, but far enough away from the house that it's hidden by the hills. Shutting off the engine, he lowers the seat and sleeps, welcoming the change after sleeping in the attic.

In the morning, George Sr. walked into the model home through the front door and looked around, hoping to sneak back up to the attic unseen, or with some assistance. "Tobias? Where are you?"

Tobias came out of the foyer bathroom, where he was fixing his Mrs. Featherbottom disguise. "Oscar?"

He hissed, "No, it's me, George, you idiot!"

"Oh, right. The glasses. But what are you doing down here?"

"I sneaked out of the house last night and followed Oscar and them home. I just wanted to teach that bastard a lesson for (bleep)ing my wife!"

"What'd you do?"

"Nothing. I couldn't get past the gate to Balboa Towers, because the night guard didn't believe that I was Oscar; he already saw Oscar come in with Buster and Lucille. Then he threatened to call the police on me, so I had to knock him out and get out of there fast. I almost had to ditch my car somewhere too, but thankfully there are a lot of SUVs that look just like mine..."

Clip of the police cars mistakenly chasing after a white SUV, only to discover that they've got Stan Sitwell, with a bad wig and eyebrows, instead.

Narrator: Stan Sitwell had recently given up his Corvette, due to his alopecia...

Clip from _Burning Love_ of Sitwell's fake hair blowing off as he drives with the top down.

Narrator: …and his new girlfriend's problem with vertigo.

Clip from _Queen for a Day_ of Lucille Austero looking ill as Michael gives her a ride with the top down.

Back at the model home, George Sr. continued, "So you gotta help me get back to the attic now. Are they awake already?"

Tobias said, "Well I did hear voices and some hullabaloo going on. I think something happened with Michael, and--"

"Someone's coming!" George Sr. ducked into the bathroom.

Tobias quickly put on his wig and resumed his fake accent. "Well, hello, Master Gob! Good morning to you."

"Huh?" Gob looked up, still preoccupied as he slunk down the stairs. "Oh, it's you."

"Yes, it certainly is," Mrs. Featherbottom confirmed cheerfully. "May I ask what's all the noise upstairs? Does Master Bluth need some help?"

Gob shook his head forlornly. "No. No, he doesn't want help, and he doesn't wanna see me, or..." He looked into the distance and just repeated, "Michael," again.

Puzzled, Mrs. Featherbottom hurried upstairs past him and asked what was going on. "Excuse me. Is there anything wrong here?"

Coming out of the bathroom, Maeby replied sarcastically, "No more than usual," then went to get her things for school (and work).

George Michael finally agreed to go get ready for school, so he left his dad's room and nearly collided with Maeby in their room.

Mrs. Featherbottom peeked into Michael's room and asked, "May I be of assistance?"

Lindsay re-closed Michael's pill bottles and said brightly, "No. Why don't you get started on breakfast now? But none for Michael. He's had plenty!"

"Very well, milady." Mrs. Featherbottom withdrew and shut the door, hoping to sneak George Sr. to the attic while everyone was occupied.

Lindsay sat on Michael's bed and asked him, "Are you sure you're all right? You just wanna stay in bed?"

Michael nodded and burrowed deeper under the covers.

"Well, okay," Lindsay said, but suspected that he was holding something back. She knew her twin brother very well. "But let us know if you need anything, Michael. You don't have to be in control all time, and George Michael would be upset if you got any worse, just because you were too embarrassed or afraid to ask for help."

She patted his head affectionately, and Michael thought that maybe he could confess to Lindsay what happened last night; after all, he had confided in her about his feelings for Marta last year. "Lindsay?"

"What?"

Michael looked up at her, but then he realized that, even if he got drunk again, he just couldn't tell her what he did with Gob, their own brother. "Never mind."

Lindsay watched his face and asked, "You want me to stay with you a while?"

"No."

After a hesitation, Lindsay shrugged and went back to her bedroom.

Downstairs, Mrs. Featherbottom began cooking breakfast.

After leaving the stairs, Gob walked into the living room and found his Segway where he'd left it. He sadly ran his fingers over the "present" lettering and wondered whether he should leave now on it. But where would he go? Back to stay at the office, until Michael came back to work? Then where? Gob decided to pour himself a drink from the wet bar, then he lay on the leather couch in the study.

* * *

Narrator: After the kids left for school, Lindsay ate breakfast and tried to chat with Gob, but found him unresponsive.

With a chuckle, Lindsay told Gob how Michael wouldn't unlock his door earlier, and how he got caught with candy beans in his room.

Gob just sighed from the couch, as he moped and nursed his drink.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked. "You love making fun of Michael. He's so self-righteously superior and moral all the time."

Gob nodded and muttered to himself, "So moral."

Grabbing her keys to the staircar, Lindsay got up from the table and told Gob, "Well, anyway, you watch him now, okay? I've got to go to the office and set up that teleconferencing that Michael asked for. Bye."

"Goodbye, Lady Lindsay!" Mrs. Featherbottom curtsied dramatically and collected her dirty dishes to wash. "Are you sure there's nothing I can get for you Master Gob? Some bangers in the mouth, perhaps?"

"No." Gob only wanted candy beans, and he didn't really know what "bangers" were, anyway.

Mrs. Featherbottom said, "Well, if there's nothing else, then I think I shall go upstairs and check on Master Bluth." She put the dishes in the sink, and eagerly climbed the steps.

Gob lay there for some time, missing Michael and not knowing what to do. He would pack up and go, if he had a more substantial vehicle than a Segway.

But then he heard Michael arguing heatedly with Mrs. Featherbottom upstairs. "No! No, I don't want a banger in the mouth!"

"Well, how about a sponge bath?"

"No! Get out! Don't you have things to do in the attic?"

"Oh, am I permitted to go up there again, sir?"

Michael spoke more cryptically, "You know what I mean. The tray you took upstairs last night. You should clean up any mess that's still lying around there."

"Oh, um, yes, Master Bluth." So Mrs. Featherbottom scurried out of his room and up to the attic.

Gob wondered what Michael was thinking, and almost went upstairs to stop Mrs. Featherbottom from touching Tracey's clothes again. But he frowned and realized that maybe Michael meant to have the attic cleared of his things.

In a moment, there came another a noise on the stairs, and Gob saw Michael trudging along on his crutches. Gob stood up and approached the living room, setting down his drink on a nearby table.

From the stairs, Michael could not at first see Gob in the study, so he hoped that his brother might have left the house already, but then he came down the foyer steps and spotted Gob standing in the study doorway. Michael hesitated and caught his breath, almost losing his nerve. But having come downstairs already, he continued into the room.

Gob entered the living room as well and searched for something to say to him. "Michael. You, uh, weren't really sick, were you?"

"No," Michael answered, not looking directly at Gob. "It wasn't my ulcer." He hobbled to the big armchair and lowered himself onto it, still feeling dirty and guilty. Then he gulped and finally whispered, "Did you--did you tell anyone what happened?"

"No." Gob tried to sit down on the arm of the chair, but seeing Michael's anxious look, he settled on the ottoman instead.

Michael moved his legs off the ottoman and stared at the floor. "Are you sure Lindsay didn't see you sneak out or in last night?"

"No. She slept through it."

"Good." Michael looked somewhat relieved, but he still glanced around nervously, wondering whether George Sr. and Tobias might be spying on them right now through an air vent. Even trying to figure out what they were whispering about.

Gob ventured, "I-I'm sorry, Michael. It's just that--"

"Shh!" Michael raised a hand and met his eyes for a moment before turning away again. "Um, Gob, I-I think you should move out of here. It would be... more comfortable for me if you did."

Not very surprised, Gob said, "Okay," and started to stand up. "So I guess I'll--I'll go pack my stuffs."

"Not yet," Michael said. "Mrs. Featherbottom is busy there right now. Besides, you--you have to find some place else to stay first."

"Right," Gob answered, sitting down again.

Michael asked him, "Do you have enough money for an apartment or a yacht or something?"

Gob shrugged. "I, um, I don't know. Barry said that the divorce was going to cost me a lot of money. But I guess I could stay at the office for a while, if you don't mind?"

Shaking his head, Michael suggested, "No, you should get a real apartment, Gob. Some place more... permanent."

Gob wondered if this meant that he wasn't welcome in the model home anymore.

Michael said, "Uh, you can keep getting your company paycheck for a while, to pay for the divorce, but don't--don't hang around the office, please. Especially when I get back..."

"I-I know." Gob nodded sadly. "You could mail it to me."

"Yeah. And maybe you could--you could go do your magic act with Buster and Tony Wonder again."

"Sure." Gob tried to look on the bright side. "Yeah, he still wanted us for the _Use Your Allusion_ DVD. He's getting me back into the Magician's Alliance."

"Yeah, great," Michael said without interest. "So, go work on that with Buster, okay? You can always get your stuff out of the attic later. Just, um, let me know when you're coming over."

"Yeah, um, I'll call ahead." He sensed that Michael wanted to be able to hide from him or not be home at all.

"Good." Michael still avoided his brother's eyes and sighed heavily. At last, he said, "Goodbye, Gob."

"Uh, goodbye." Gob stood up again and looked at Michael, wondering if this goodbye was final. If it was, could he hug Michael one last time?

Michael cleared his throat firmly and repeated, "Goodbye, Gob."

"Goodbye, Michael." Gob turned away and grabbed his Segway, going out the front door with it.

Michael closed his eyes and felt sick inside.


	5. Brotherly Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael decides to apologize, and Gob tries to explain how he feels.

Soon after Gob left, George Sr. and Tobias hurried downstairs from the attic. George Sr. had discarded his wig, but Tobias was still in the process of changing out of his Mrs. Featherbottom disguise.

"Michael!" George Sr. spoke sternly, "What were you and Gob mumbling about just now?"

Lying down on the comfy chair, Michael took a breath and clutched a cushion. "Nothing. He was just--just telling me about some magic trick that he's gonna do."

"Don't lie to me, Michael! You don't care about his magic any more than I do. Besides, you can't even look me in the eye right now."

"I'm just... feeling sick."

George Sr. looked him over and pointed out, "If you were that sick, Michael, you wouldn't have come downstairs in the first place. You'd call for Gob to come up to your room. But no, you wanted to get far enough away that I wouldn't hear you, right?"

"No," Michael lied. "I-I just didn't want him to accidentally hear you and Tobias in the attic. He saw Mrs. Featherbottom take a tray upstairs last night."

George Sr. remained skeptical. "But why were you whispering to him? What's the big secret? Did you tell Gob that I was here?"

Michael shook his head. "No! I swear, it wasn't about you."

"Then who!?" his father demanded. "Or what? Is something going on at the company? Another possible takeover by Sitwell or Standpoor? Or are you just scared that the employees are going to stage a coup while you're on vacation?"

"No!" Nevertheless, Michael's ulcer acted up, and he winced. "No. It's not business, Dad. It's... I mean, Gob just--just needed some money, because of his divorce, so I let him keep his company paycheck. That's all."

"What divorce? He's married?"

Tobias explained to him, "Oh, you were in prison at the time, but she was this little blonde... sprite, full of pep. She even sang with me at the wellness convention."

Narrator: She also loved Tobias.

Clip from _Best Man for the Gob_ of Tobias singing "Teamocil" with Gob's wife, in Dr. Fünke's 100% Natural Good-Time Family-Band Solution.

George Sr. remained puzzled, until he finally remembered and snapped his fingers. "Oh right! We had that bachelor party where we tried to set up Gilligan." He tsked with annoyance. "Yeah, Gob sure (bleep)ed that up! And you--you turned him against me, too, Michael! What scheme are you plotting with him now?"

"Nothing!"

George Sr. scoffed. "No, I know when you two are hiding something big! Gob always needs money; that's no secret. Why would you have to whisper about it? And you'd never give him anything without asking for some favor in return. So what is he doing for you, huh, that you have to sneak around behind my back and--?" Then he guessed, "Wait--you want him to be your mole at the office until you go back to work. That's where you sent him!"

Michael moaned and put the cushion over his head, unable to take his father's paranoia.

"Yeah, and you're using the money as a carrot to lead Gob around. I bet you flattered him too with some bull about how you respect him, and he's your favorite brother. Gob's a sucker for that kind of (bleep). He's just like a puppy dog, and he can't wait to lick your--"

"Dad!" Michael gasped in horror at George Sr.'s choice of words. He turned pale, fearing that his father knew what happened after all and was torturing him.

"--hand." George Sr. said, "Well, I've got my own mole, Michael. I'll find out what's going on at the company. Tobias!"

His son-in-law jumped to attention.

George Sr. looked at him and spoke impatiently, "Get that makeup off, you idiot! Hurry! You have to get to the office before Gob does anything."

Tobias wiped his face with a handkerchief and asked, "Do we have to rush? He's only going on a Segway."

"Oh, yeah." George Sr. laughed disparagingly. "That piece of crap. Then hey, I think we have time for some breakfast."

"Yes, sir!" Tobias hurried off to the kitchen again.

Now alone with his father, Michael cowered and braced himself for a vilifying stream of abuse about last night.

However, George Sr. was practically jovial as he sat down in front of his son. "Don't worry, Michael! It's better that I found out your scheme now. You can't handle running the company when you're incapacitated like this. So you just rest and relax on your vacation. Let me pull the strings for a while." He chuckled. "I mean, come on, you had to know it was a losing proposition to get in bed with Gob again. I bet you asked for that teleconferencing so you could check that he wasn't there (bleep)ing everything up like he always does. He's even more incompetent than Tobias."

Tobias heard that and protested, "But the leak wasn't my fault! I didn't have the video camera, and Starla said that she would transfer the tape so we could watch--"

"I don't care! Where's my breakfast?"

Tobias reluctantly turned off the stove and returned with breakfast for both of them. George Sr. took his plate and ate heartily while leaning over the coffee table.

Not eating yet, Tobias glanced at Michael with concern. "Do you feel better now? I could fix you something, if you're hungry."

Michael grunted negatively and still stared at his father in anxious bewilderment. Did he, or didn't he know?

George Sr. shook his head and recalled what he overheard Lindsay talking about. "No way! After binging on candy beans, he probably can't keep anything down."

"Oh, I guess so. And he didn't like the dinner I made him, either." Tobias ate and felt unappreciated. In fact, he thought he was developing an eating disorder lately due to the stress of his multiple jobs as a British housekeeper, George Sr.'s accomplice, and Michael's assistant at the company. (Not that Michael had actually agreed to hire him, of course.)

George Sr. told Tobias, "Now when you get to the office, your first job is to neutralize Gob somehow. Give him some little task to keep him busy, and let him think that it comes from Michael. You could tell him to go fire Starla. Yeah, then we can get rid of our leak problem, and you can start finding out what's going on at the company."

Tobias asked, "What about Lindsay? She's supposed to be there setting up the teleconferencing."

"Well that shouldn't take too long, and then you could tell her to go and take care of Michael. I mean, as far as she knows, you've left Michael home alone."

Tobias said, "But no, Mrs. Featherbottom is still--"

"She knows that's you!"

"She does? But she doesn't act like it."

George Sr. rolled his eyes. "Well, she'll certainly get the hint when you arrive at the office in Mrs. Featherbottom's car."

Narrator: Tobias had rented a car to maintain his Mrs. Featherbottom persona.

Clip of a garishly painted British car, with even a union jack on the top.

Tobias said, "No, I don't wanna take that car. It's too confusing whether to drive on the left side of the road or not. Can't I borrow your SUV?"

George replied, "No, you fool! That thing's a target, after I got recognized last night."

"But the police didn't catch you, right?"

"No, but they could still be on the lookout for me in the area, and I don't want you to get pulled over, when you've got work to do."

"Last night?" Michael timidly looked up and wondered if he'd missed something.

"Just take Mrs. F's car," George Sr. insisted. "Maybe when the heat dies down, you can get the SUV repainted and change the plates for me. Or else we'll have to dump it somewhere, and--"

Narrator: That was when George Sr. got an idea for how to get revenge on his brother Oscar.

He smiled and laughed wickedly.

Narrator: Meanwhile, Michael began to gather that his father had been out in the SUV.

He asked hesitantly, "You mean, you weren't home last night, Dad? You didn't sleep in the attic?"

George Sr. looked at Michael suspiciously, wondering why it mattered where he slept, but Tobias answered, "No, he only got back this morning. He went to your mother's penthouse to--"

"Shut up, you idiot!"

So Tobias silently returned to eating, while Michael sat up with relief and growing confidence.

"Dad, I swear, Gob isn't spying for me at the company. He's just going to get his paycheck and look for another place to live. I-I asked him to move out... so he wouldn't accidentally find out about you."

"You did?" George Sr. considered the likelihood of this. "When is he coming back to get his stuff from the attic?"

"I told him to call ahead, so that I'd have enough warning to hide you. He'll probably have to borrow a car too, to move everything. What did he bring yesterday morning?"

George Sr. shrugged. "Well, it looked sort of like Barry's car from the attic window, but then I had to hide." He finished his breakfast and put down his plate on the table. "Why didn't you tell me this in the first place, Michael? You had me worried that you were stupid enough to plot with Gob again."

Narrator: Michael was becoming fed up with his father's insulting comments.

Michael pointed out quietly, "But you--you always plotted with Gob before. Lots of times."

George Sr. answered, "Yes, but I always had to supervise Gob closely, and I had Kitty and J. Walter Weatherman too. I mean, why do you think I always set Gob up to do the risky, illegal jobs for me? Because if he fails and gets caught, he's expendable."

Michael looked horrified. "You mean you'd let him take the fall for you and go to jail? Your own son?"

George Sr. said, "Oh, I'd get him out with a good lawyer or a bribe or whatever. But it's no big deal, Michael. He's the screw-up. You're the good son, and I have to keep your record spotless."

"I can't believe you, Dad! What about what you always say about family first?"

"Right, and Gob knows that he has to sacrifice himself for the family. That's his job."

Michael spoke angrily, "How do you think he got so screwed up, Dad? Because you've treated him like that his whole life, and you've pitted us against each other--"

"To teach you about competition!"

Michael rolled his eyes, knowing full well how George Sr. profited from their fighting. "Even when we were kids, you and mom never showed Gob any love or approval, and that's why he's so needy and pathetic now. That's why he always comes to me for--" Then he frowned and realized something. Maybe there was a reason why Gob clung to him so irrationally.

In psychiatrist mode, Tobias began, "Interesting theory, Michael--"

"Shut up!" George Sr. scolded him, then continued to Michael. "Oh, you're blaming me for how Gob turned out? For him being a joke and a magician? What about you? You've never respected him either."

Michael realized with guilt how often he had disparaged Gob just as dismissively as their parents did.

"What's wrong with you, Michael?" Then George Sr. laughed and spoke patronizingly, "Oh I get it. You're just cranky because you're crashing from the sugar high, right?"

Michael lay back down and did not answer, thinking about his encounter with Gob in a new light.

George Sr. got up and put his plate in the kitchen, while gesturing for Tobias to do the same. "Come on, we've gotta get to work now."

"Okay. After I wash these." Tobias began cleaning the accumulated dishes in the sink. "Uh, are you gonna get Michael some breakfast after I leave?"

"No, we don't have time. Actually, I'm coming with you to the office. You have to hide me in the backseat of the car or something."

"What? You mean leave Michael alone?"

"He'll be fine. All he needs is a good nap, and you'll send Lindsay home soon anyway."

"I guess so."

George Sr. then returned to the living room and explained to the unresponsive Michael, "I'm going to the office with Tobias. You rest and wait for Lindsay to come home." He went back up to the attic to get his wig.

So Tobias and George Sr. soon left the house together.

Michael looked up when he heard Mrs. Featherbottom's car drive away. They actually left him alone. He felt both glad and upset at the same time, wondering what machinations George Sr. had planned for the Bluth company. Maybe he ought to call Lindsay and warn her. But there was someone else he wanted to speak to more.

Reaching for his crutches, Michael got to his feet and walked over to the phone on the kitchen counter. He dialed Gob's cell phone number.

"Hello?" He sounded as if he was fighting tears.

"Gob, are you okay?"

"Michael?" Gob was surprised.

"Where are you? You're not at the office yet?"

"No, uh, I had to... stop for a recharge."

Narrator: Actually, Gob had stopped to soothe himself with a thing of candy beans.

Pull back to show Gob outside a candy store, eating from the bag.

Michael said, "Can you--can you come back to the house? They left me alone."

"They? Who's they?"

"Everyone." Michael became emotional. "I'm sorry, Gob. I'm so... Please come back. I need to see you."

"What's wrong?"

"I just--" As he balanced on his crutches while holding the phone, Michael suddenly dropped his right crutch. "Damn it!"

Hearing the crutch clatter on the floor, Gob feared that Michael had fallen. "Michael! I'll be right there!" He hung up, then turned his Segway around and rode off determinedly.

"Gob?" Michael heard the dial tone, then hung up and struggled to pick up his crutch. At first he tried to use a stool for leverage to lift it up, but finally he just had to bend down awkwardly and grab it.

Then Michael retreated to the living room and lay down again, hoping that Gob wasn't too far away from the model home.

* * *

Narrator: Meanwhile, Lindsay had found a reason to hang around the office besides requesting the teleconferencing for Michael.

Lindsay obliviously flirted with Gary the poof, while Ted tried to flirt with her. To impress her, Ted said, "You know, technically, I'm acting president now--"

Lindsay responded fiercely, "Ugh! Don't talk to me about acting!"

As if on cue, Tobias suddenly arrived and said, "Hi, Lindsay. Have you seen Gob?"

Lindsay scowled at her husband. "He's at home with Michael."

"No, he left earlier."

"He left? And you left too?" She gasped.

"Well, I had some important things to do here--"

"You idiot!" Lindsay got mad now. "How could you guys leave him alone and helpless?"

"You could drive back, or call your mother--"

"Well, I have to now! God. I have to do everything for this family." Lindsay gave a last look at Gary, then headed to the elevator, muttering and getting out her cell phone. She was reluctant to call her mother and admit that Michael had been left alone. Lucille would surely lay the blame on Lindsay and criticize her. So Lindsay called Gob, who didn't answer his phone, and she left an angry voicemail.

Gob only checked to see if the caller ID was from the model home, then he rode on, worrying about Michael. "Should I call an ambulance? Would they take me there faster?"

He dared not hope yet that Michael had changed his mind about their relationship, because maybe he was just calling Gob out of desperation at being left alone.

* * *

Narrator: Then Tobias reported back to George Sr.

Tobias found an unattended company phone and called back his own cell phone, which he'd left with George Sr. in Mrs. Featherbottom's car.

"Um, sir, I've been asking around, but Gob's not here yet. Do you want me to fire Starla myself?"

George Sr. was still hiding under a blanket. "What? I thought that, even on the Segway--Oh wait, Michael must have given up his plan. He better not have told Gob where I am! All right, fire Starla, and then call and find out if Oscar's at home with Lucille and Buster. We need to find some excuse to lure him here."

"All right."

"Then I'll have to deal with Michael and Gob." George tried calling the model home next, but no one answered the phone, and he didn't want to leave a message on the machine. So he hung up.

Michael sat up and thought it might be Gob on the phone, but it was too much trouble to get up again. He regretted leaving his cell phone upstairs in his room.

* * *

At last, Gob arrived at home, nearly crashing his Segway in his urgency to open the front door. "Michael! Michael, where are you?"

"I'm in here." Michael sat up on the couch. "I'm okay."

Gob rushed to him and hugged him tightly. "Are you sure? You didn't fall down?"

"No, I just dropped my crutch. I'm fine." He patted Gob's back and was happy that he returned. "I just haven't had breakfast yet."

"Me neither. You want me to make something for us? Or maybe you want some candy beans?" He took out his new supply.

Michael blinked and touched the bag, thinking of last night.

Gob then realized that candy beans might be a sore subject. He looked away and cleared his throat. "I mean... I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry, Gob." Michael touched his face reassuringly. "I'm really sorry about last night, and this morning." 

Gob looked up and into his eyes. "You are?"

"Yeah, I-I don't you want you to move out. I don't wanna stop seeing you."

"You want me back?" Gob beamed and leaned in for a kiss.

Michael avoided his lips and realized that he'd spoken ambiguously. "No, um, I didn't mean it like that. I'm sorry. I, um, I meant that I-I still want you to be my brother, Gob. I don't want to throw you out and never see you again."

Gob looked disappointed.

Michael continued, "We--we shouldn't have kissed last night. That's still wrong. But I-I just realized that it's not your fault, Gob. I mean, our family (bleep)ed us up so bad, and no wonder we... got confused."

"But why can't we be together?" Gob asked sadly. "I want you, and you want me."

Michael shook his head. "It's not that simple."

"Why not?"

"Because we can't do this!" Michael shook his arms in frustration. "Think about it, Gob! It would be just as wrong if either of us made out with Buster--"

"Eww!" They both shuddered at the thought.

"--or Lindsay. You know that we shouldn't, Gob."

"But that's because Buster's so... weird... and he's got a hook now. I mean, Lindsay's kind of hot-looking since her nose job, but she's our sister."

"Exactly. And we're brothers."

"But we're different, Michael."

"How?"

Gob shrugged, unable to explain the love he felt; he was never good with feelings, anyway. "It's just... the way we are. Dad had us fighting all the time, but we--we kinda like each other, you know? Remember when I came back to save you from Mom after the car accident? She was gonna let you think it was your fault, and that you wanted to hit me. But you wouldn't do that, Mikey. You like me, and I--" He tried to lean in for another kiss, but Michael turned away again.

"Gob, I just like you as a brother, that's all. I don't want us to make out and sleep together. I mean, haven't you noticed that I'm not gay? I was married, and--"

"I know," Gob said, insisting, "I'm not gay, either. I've (bleep)ed tons more women than you!"

"Then why do you think you want me now?"

"Well, it's pretty hard to ignore the erections, Michael!"

"Wh-what?!" Michael blushed.

Gob wondered whether he should tell him about the threesome he had, but Michael was squirming and looked ready to move to another chair. So he said instead, "Remember when we fought over Marta in front of the courthouse? You were wearing my belt, so I was gonna take it off of you and, I don't know, hit you with it. But you kept running away and climbing trees like a coward. Then we were tumbling in the grass, and I got so hard..." Gob leaned in and breathed against his brother's neck, but Michael pulled away.

"Oh my God!" Michael was shocked and wondered why he didn't feel that erection, in the tangle of their wrestling bodies. But then again, Buster had tried to join in the fight, and there was some confusion.

Gob pouted. "Didn't you think about me, when you were with Marta?"

"What? No. I-I mean, I never got to actually sleep with her. A couple of times we got close, but all your stuff was still in her house, and I sat on your wand. It was just so wrong--"

"'Cause you wanted to be with me?"

"No! Because I felt guilty about stealing your girlfriend. Then I finally told you, and went back to see her, but I had to leave again because I was late for Dad's hearing. And I-I didn't get hard during our fight, Gob. I had no idea that you--" He shook his head and shivered.

Gob said, "You made me hot other times too."

"I-I did? When?"

"Like, when I had to (bleep) somebody repulsive."

"Kitty? But I didn't tell you to--"

Gob went on anyway, grimacing at the memory, "Even with the lights off, I couldn't get hot, but I thought to myself, 'Michael will give me a touch lamp. Michael wants the information.' And after a while, it just became, 'Michael... Michael...'"

"And--and that made you hot?"

He nodded. "I (bleep)ed her, didn't I?"

Narrator: Gob had also talked about Michael afterward.

Clip from _Missing Kitty_ of Gob in the storage room with Kitty, saying weepily, "He's my brother and he's never even said 'good job.' I just want him to love me, you know?"

Gob continued, "And when I (bleep)ed Nazsherhasa--"

"You mean Nazhgalia?"

"Yeah, and Mrs. Whitehead too. I kept thinking about getting revenge for Marta. You know, 'Michael will be so mad! I can't wait to see the look on Michael's face!'"

Michael frowned, and whispered, "And then you were picturing my face?"

"Yeah. It was so hot."

Michael gulped and couldn't believe this--his own brother fantasizing about him repeatedly.

Gob put a hand on his knee and leaned into his neck again. "I think about you all the time..."

Michael closed his eyes and could feel the warmth of his breath. He smelled like candy beans.

"If you're scared," Gob offered, "maybe we could start with a threesome?"

"No! No!" Michael firmly brushed his hand away and cleared his throat. "No, we can't, Gob. Even if I-I felt the same, it would still be sick and wrong. We're brothers."

Gob now had a counter argument. "It doesn't matter, Michael! My wife was in love with her own brother."

"What?"

Narrator: Actually, Gob had misunderstood.

Clip from _Whistler's Mother_ of Gob talking with his wife in her house:

> Wife of G.O.B.: I’m in love with your brother-in-law.
> 
> G.O.B.: You’re in love with your own brother? The one in the army?
> 
> Wife of G.O.B.: No, your sister’s husband.
> 
> G.O.B.: Michael? Michael!
> 
> Wife of G.O.B.: No, that’s your sister’s brother.
> 
> G.O.B.: No, I’m my sister’s brother. You’re in love with me. Me!
> 
> Wife of G.O.B.: I’m in love with Tobias.
> 
> G.O.B.: My brother-in-law?
> 
> Wife of G.O.B.: I know it can never be, so I’m leaving. I’m enlisting in the army.
> 
> G.O.B.: To be with your brother.
> 
> Wife of G.O.B.: No!

Michael blinked and asked, "Really?"

Narrator: No, not really.

Gob nodded triumphantly. "Yes."

Narrator: No.

Gob told Michael, "And that's the reason why she left me. She joined the army so that she could be with him. And I-I wanna be with you, Michael. Can't we just--?"

Michael dodged him again and held him at arm's length. "Are you sure, Gob? I thought she seemed to like Tobias, and George Michael told me that they sang together."

"So? Singing's not the same as (bleep)ing."

Michael conceded that. "Well, wouldn't she and her brother have got into trouble in the army? Did they get caught?"

"I don't know," Gob said. "She only wanted to talk about the divorce, and the seal that I let loose. Then we did some sonsummating."

Michael knew that Gob's wife had consummated their marriage, less out of lust for Gob, and more so that she could get a divorce instead of an annulment. But this tale about her brother still seemed questionable, especially since, on the night of the bachelor party, Gob's wife had announced, "I'm in love with your brother," before Gob punched Michael out. Michael had woken up later to find Gob disoriented and having no memory of his wife's words. He didn't even remember punching Michael, and he didn't know where his wife had gone. To avoid getting punched again, Michael just told Gob to go looking for his wife at her house, so Gob left the hotel room.

"And you still don't know her name?"

Gob shrugged. "Well, she was gone a long time. Maybe I knew her name before, but I forgot it."

"Well I suggest that you and Barry find out her name during the divorce!"

"Okay, whatever," Gob agreed without interest. "But what about us, Michael? Can't we do some sonsummating too?"

Michael shook his head. "No, Gob. I'm sorry. Last night was a mistake. I was just--"

"But can't we even kiss again?"

"No. We're brothers."

Gob pleaded stubbornly, "But we--we kind of like each other."

Michael nodded and sighed, patting his shoulder. For a moment, he looked tenderly at his pathetic brother, so desperate for love, and confusing it with lust. Still he said, "But we're brothers, Gob."

Gob frowned and looked away sadly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to imply that Gob took a "forget-me-now" pill between the end of _Best Man for the Gob_ and the beginning of _Whistler's Mother_ , and that's why Gob's wife had to explain to him again whom she loved. The concept of "forget-me-now" pills is introduced in an early season 3 episode.


	6. Sexual Tension

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lindsay finds romance, and George Sr. plots to kidnap Oscar.

Lindsay arrived at home and nearly crashed the staircar into Gob's Segway by the front door. She kicked the wheels of the scooter before hurrying into the house and calling to her brothers, "Michael! Gob!"

Although he only had a comforting arm around Gob, Michael abruptly pulled away when Lindsay entered the room, as if she'd caught them kissing.

"There you are!" She put her hands on her hips and scolded Gob, "Where have you been? And you couldn't call me back before I got here?"

"I didn't check the message," Gob answered. "I was hurrying back to Michael, after he called me."

So Lindsay glanced at Michael and sat down on the coffee table. "Then why didn't you call me too, or answer the phone when I called you and left a message? Did you fall down?"

Michael said, "No, I just dropped a crutch, and it was too much trouble to get up again and walk over there. Wait, did you call the house or my cell phone? I left my phone upstairs."

"Michael!" She sighed. "Unbelievable. Gob, if you had just stayed here with him, like I asked you to--"

Michael defended him, "He didn't leave me alone, Lindsay. Tobias was still here then."

"Yeah, and I'm mad at him for leaving you too. But you know, Mrs. Featherbottom is a housekeeper, not a nurse. She has chores to do, and errands to run. That's why I asked Gob to watch you when I left. Where were you?"

"Well, I--" Gob looked at Michael and didn't know if he should mention moving out.

Michael said, "He needed to get his company paycheck at the office, to pay for his divorce."

Lindsay pointed out, "Well, I could have picked that up, if you guys had called me. It would be quicker than Gob going on his Segway."

They were both flustered, and Lindsay said, "Michael, you're just not thinking very clearly ever since you got back from the hospital. Now I'm trying to pick up the slack so that George Michael won't worry, but you guys have got to help me, you know? Call me if anything comes up, then I can figure out who needs to be where!"

They nodded obediently, and she moved her hands on the table as she started to get up, but then she felt something and picked up a partly opened bag. "Candy beans! Michael, where are you getting all these?"

Michael blushed, and Gob said, "Those are mine. I bought 'em."

"On your way to the office?" She looked suspicious. "Or were you never going there in the first place? Michael sent you off to buy these for him, didn't he?"

"No, they're for me." He snatched the bag from her and ate a handful of beans. "They're mine."

"Well, keep them away from Michael, so he can't go on another binge!" She shooed Gob away from the couch and folded her arms. "Michael, did you have a real breakfast yet, or just candy beans?"

"I didn't have any breakfast, beans or otherwise. Gob was gonna make me something."

"Okay, but you better eat only from the doctor's approved list. Let me go check what you can have for breakfast. Gob," she called out as she walked to the kitchen, "go get Michael's cell phone and bring it to him. Don't ever leave him again without putting it in his hand."

"Okay." Gob also stashed his bag of candy upstairs, then retrieved Michael's cell phone. When he returned to the couch, he slipped a few candy beans into Michael's hand along with the phone.

Michael smiled. "Thanks. Uh, you better get your breakfast too. Lindsay said that she wouldn't make it for you."

"Oh." So Gob got up again and went to the kitchen.

Michael furtively chewed his candy beans while checking his voicemail. He did get a message from Lindsay, but also one from George Sr. "Gob's not at the office. I knew you were lying to me, Michael! He's not just picking up his paycheck and moving out. You called him and changed your little spying plan, didn't you? So what did you tell him? He better not know where I am!"

Michael groaned and called back to Tobias's cell phone. He glanced towards the kitchen and was aware that he couldn't let his siblings overhear him, so he grabbed a couch cushion to help muffle his voice.

George Sr. answered with, "Hello? Michael--"

But Michael cut him off in angry, but hushed, tones, "Believe it or not, Dad, we don't talk about you constantly."

"But you do talk--"

"And as for your scheme at the office, if you want to risk sneaking around again and getting caught by the police, that's your choice. Just don't drag down the rest of us with you. Family first, you know. And another thing--you should really think about letting go of some control at the company, or you'll get an ulcer!" Then he shut off the phone and put it down.

With a sigh, Michael moved the cushion behind him and leaned back on it. He reached for the remote control and turned on the TV, to see if there were any news reports about George Sr. being found or captured yet. He was disappointed that there weren't.

* * *

Narrator: Back at the Bluth company, George Sr.'s plans hit a snag.

George Sr. was still fuming about Michael's disrespectful phone call. "He hung up on me! Why I oughta go home and spank him."

Then Tobias called him again to report, "Starla won't go, sir. She says she'll sue the company for discrimination because of her rabies."

"Dammit, why did Gob ever have to hire her?" George Sr. then said, "Well threaten her back, Tobias! Say that we'll get her into trouble for stalking Quincy Jones again. Or wait, maybe if we get her back together with Buster, and he charms her into signing a waiver... No, wait, Buster wouldn't be good at that."

Tobias added, "Oh, I also checked about Oscar. He's staying at home, and Lucille and Buster are going to the bank."

"Great! But wait, what are they going to the bank for? They're not running low on money, are they?"

"I don't think so. They seem all right."

"I bet it's that damn pot-smoking hippie running through all their cash and food! Come back to the car, Tobias. Let's go kidnap Oscar and make the switch now. We can deal with Starla later."

"Yes, sir." He headed toward the elevator and saw Starla again at the desk.

She spoke defiantly, with crossed arms, "You can't fire me! Only Michael can, or Gob. Or Ted. Whoever's president now."

Tobias answered, "Pardon me, then. I'll go see if one of them wants to come and fire you." He disappeared into the elevator.

* * *

Narrator: At the model home, Michael and Gob breakfasted on the couch while Lindsay prepared to go back to the office and see Gary again.

"All right, so remember to call me if you need anything. But only if it's important. But I'll send Tobias back home anyway. But you should still stay here, Gob, in case--"

Then there was a knock on the front door and Lindsay answered it.

A man from a service van said, "Hello. I'm here to set up the teleconferencing hookup at your house."

"Oh!" Lindsay found the man very attractive and began to flirt with him. "You got here right away, huh?"

"Well, you said it was a priority, and he _is_ the president of the company. Or Ted is, or whoever."

"Come right in." Lindsay beamed and showed him into the living room. "It's this TV here." She posed in front of it like a sexy car model.

"Lindsay!" Michael and Gob objected to her blocking the TV, but she ignored them.

The service man removed a panel to look at the TV hookup, and said, "Well, I'll get my tools from the van."

"I'll be waiting," she said, perching by the TV and showing off her legs.

"Lindsay," Michael complained, "do you have to do that while we're eating?"

She said, "Hey, you asked for the teleconferencing, so I'm handling it. Why don't you and Gob move to the dining room or kitchen?"

"Okay." Gob moved their dishes and mugs while Michael stood up on his crutches and walked across the foyer. Gob helped him climb onto a stool, and his hand lingered too long on his side. Michael brushed his hand away and whispered, "Don't."

Narrator: Meanwhile, outside:

The service guy went into the parked van, which was actually another FBI "Blendin" van. The man reported, "They don't suspect a thing. Now I'll hook up the bugs and cameras."

"Good job, Dick." The other agents handed him his tool box, and he returned to the house.

Narrator: Michael and Gob resumed eating, but could still overhear their sister's desperate flirting.

Lindsay sprawled close to him and asked, "Tell me what you're doing, Dick."

"Well, first I have to unplug this--"

"Do you know how long it's been since I've been plugged?"

Gob and Michael grew uncomfortable and could barely swallow their food.

Dick was not sure whether Lindsay was really coming onto him, or was just acting to keep a close eye on him while he worked.

As Lindsay became more explicit and obvious, Gob suggested leaving. "You could go to your room, and I'll bring up the food."

"Okay. Thanks." Michael let Gob help him down, a little too familiarly, then hurried upstairs.

In his room, he put down his crutches and settled back in bed, before he realized that he'd left his cell phone downstairs. "Damn. I hope Gob brings it."

Gob soon carried in a bed tray, crowded with both of their partly eaten breakfasts. "I, uh, I wanted to make one trip."

"That's okay. Um, did you bring my phone?"

"Oh, no, I forgot it."

"Oh. Well, what about your phone?"

"I got that in my pocket."

"Good."

Kicking the door closed, Gob brought the tray to the bed and sat down next to him. He took his plate off of Michael's bowl and resumed eating.

Michael ate his oatmeal out of hunger, but didn't care for the bland taste, and he sipped the herbal tea that Lindsay had prepared for him, but found it weird.

Gob kept watching his brother and thinking of last night. How disappointing to be in this bed again, without touching or kissing him.

For distraction, Michael asked, "Uh, do you think Lindsay's really gonna seduce that service guy? Are she and Tobias still doing that open marriage thing?"

Gob shrugged, "I don't know. Either way, maybe she'll finally divorce him."

"Yeah. Poor Maeby, though."

"But Tobias is already living somewhere else, so it might not be that hard to take."

"I guess so. I hope he'll quit being Mrs. Featherbottom." Then Michael put down his bowl and asked, "Can I borrow your phone?"

"Okay." Gob gave him his cell phone.

Michael called Ted's number at the company, and Ted's secretary transferred him to the president's office. "Right, uh, he's the president now. I'm okay with that."

Soon Ted answered, "Hello, Michael. How's your recovery?"

"Oh, fine, Ted! Yes, I'm much better now that I'm at home. So you're really settling in as head of the company, huh? That--that's great. I mean, you deserve it. Your idea really saved the company. So how's it going building the 18 houses? No problems, I hope."

"No, things are good. Um, you're really on vacation, right? Because your brother-in-law was here, saying that he had some orders--"

"Oh, you can ignore anything that Tobias says," Michael told him. "He thinks that he's helping while I'm out, but I don't want any more... incidents like him bringing that video to work the other day."

"Yes, I thought so. Would I have permission to, let's say, ask security to keep him out of the building?"

"Oh, yes! Yes, certainly. Now about those 18 houses, did the blueprints--?"

Gob motioned warningly and grabbed at the phone. "You're on vacation!"

"I--Gob! All right, fine! Uh, Ted, I have to go now, but I guess I'll talk to you later when the teleconference hookup's ready. Bye."

Gob forcefully yanked the phone away and hung up. "Come on, finish eating. Did you take your pills yet?"

Michael sighed and nodded. "Yeah, this morning when George Michael and Lindsay were here. My next dose isn't for hours."

"Okay."

Michael tried eating again, but soon gave up and set his bowl back on the tray. He asked Gob about his divorce. "Hey, so what did the judge say? Do you have to pay your wife alimony, or is it just a settlement for that missing seal?"

"It's just the seal, but it's a $250,000 seal, so it's gonna take a lot of paychecks. I guess I have to hope that I make a lot of money on the _Use Your Allusion_ DVDs."

"Well, have you talked to Buster about the magic act yet?"

"I called him, but he said he had to go to the bank with Mom today. Annyong's supposed to be coming back soon for Spring Break and she wants to buy him something."

"Annyong? Wow. I haven't seen that kid in so long. Did he even come back for Christmas break?"

Gob shrugged. "You can always tell a Milford man."

Narrator: Lucille had sent her adopted Korean son to Milford Academy, a boarding school where children were neither seen nor heard.

Michael mused, "I wonder what Mom's buying for Annyong that requires a trip to the bank. I hope it's not too--"

"What if you were adopted?" Gob suddenly asked, his mind going on a different tangent altogether.

"What?"

Putting down his plate, Gob looked into his eyes and sat closer. "I mean, would you (bleep) me, Mikey, if we weren't really brothers? If you were adopted?"

"What are you talking about, Gob? I'm not adopted."

"No, no, maybe you are, Michael! Think about it. You don't look like anybody in the family--not even Lindsay, your twin."

"Fraternal twins are different than--"

Gob insisted, "But maybe you were adopted, and that was just what they told you, Mikey! Like, what if Mom was already pregnant with Lindsay, and they adopted you at the same time and lied to us?"

"Why? I mean, sure, they lie to us all the time, but come on, these people barely had enough parental instincts to raise their own offspring. Why would they decide to raise some orphan too?"

Gob shrugged. "Same reason why Mom adopted Annyong--to make Buster jealous."

"Buster wasn't born yet when--"

"I mean to make _me_ jealous, Michael! You know Mom's always hated me, so maybe she wanted another, better son that she could baby. Or maybe Dad wanted to teach me about competition and stuff, so he got another boy. Knowing them, it was probably both at the same time."

Michael reluctantly considered the scenario, but still shook his head. "Why would they have kept me for so long, huh? Wouldn't they have gotten tired of me eventually and shipped me off somewhere with Nana or our aunt, or even Uncle Oscar? I mean, Mom sent Annyong off to Milford after just a few months with him."

Gob shrugged and murmured quietly, "Maybe they kept you... because they liked you better than me."

Michael frowned and saw how deeply unloved Gob felt, that he could believe such a far fetched story. "Oh, Gob. Come here." Michael tenderly hugged him and patted his back. "You're my brother, no matter what."

Gob lay his head on Michael's shoulder and smelled him. He really didn't care whether they were biological brothers or not; he just wanted to placate Michael's morals somehow. "But what if a DNA test said that you were adopted?"

"What, you want me to take a DNA test now?" Michael moved back a little and met his eyes. "And if it says that we _are_ brothers, Gob, then what would you do? Would you let this go?"

Gob shrugged and figured that he would probably break into the DNA lab beforehand to fix the test results. He'd need somebody smart to tell him what to do, though, but it couldn't be Michael. Gob countered with, "But what if we aren't brothers? Would you (bleep) me then?"

Michael uncomfortably let go of him and shook his head. "No. I-I mean, we were still raised as brothers, Gob. We grew up together, and it's not right to--"

"Why?!" Gob asked in frustration. "Why do you gotta make it so hard, Michael? Just (bleep) me!"

"Gob!" Michael hushed him sternly, then he worriedly listened in case Lindsay had overheard from downstairs. God, he really needed to soundproof his room or something. And close off that vent too.

Gob pouted and tried to calm down. There must be some way to tempt Michael back into his arms.

After an awkward silence, Michael finally let out his breath, but his ulcer bothered him and he wanted Gob to leave now. "Uh, can you--can you take away the tray, Gob? Then go hang out in Lindsay's room or something."

"But what if she takes that guy up there?"

"Oh." That was a reasonable objection. "Then go to the kids' room, okay? Or actually, you could go up to the attic and fix something for me. There's a vent that--"

Gob noticed him rubbing his stomach, though, and reached for him. "What's wrong? You need a pill?" Hey, maybe he could even substitute a different pill for Michael's medication?

But Michael jerked away from his touch and nearly knocked over the breakfast tray over his lap. So Gob picked it up and moved it to the chest at the foot of the bed.

Michael felt relieved that Gob wasn't reaching for his crotch after all, and he quickly got under the bedcovers. "Um, thanks. Now please go, okay, so I can take a nap."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lucille's mother, known as Nana, died six months before _Missing Kitty_ in season 1, and was apparently very wealthy. Lucille's sister was mentioned in both _Altar Egos_ and _Justice is Blind_ , but no explanation is given for her absence. I've decided that it must have been her affair with George Sr. that must have caused a rift.


	7. Nana's Money

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucille discovers that money is missing from Annyong's trust fund, and Michael finally gives in to Gob. (Also, I made up Annyong's real name before the season 3 finale. That's why he's not Hel-loh.)

Narrator: At the bank, Lucille learned some distressing news.

Buster waited by the desk and muttered with jealousy about Annyong, "Oh, he doesn't have a hook, and he can zip up Mother..."

Lucille told the family's personal banker, "I need to make a special withdrawal from the trust fund. He's coming home for Spring Break, and I want--"

The banker interrupted her. "But aren't you forgetting something, Mrs. Bluth? Annyong already took control of the trust fund, and you're not trustee anymore."

"What?" Lucille was startled. "He--he already took control?"

"Yes, when he turned 18. I sent you that letter, remember?"

"What letter?" Lucille asked. "What are you talking about? Annyong's not 18."

The banker frowned and looked disconcerted. "But--but that's impossible. He came here himself and proved it to me."

"He came here?"

"Yes, a month ago. I-I told you this in the letter." He took off his glasses and wiped them clean.

"How could Annyong come here?" Lucille asked. "He doesn't even know how to drive."

The banker started to sweat. "I-I don't know how, Mrs. Bluth, but he was here. I have the records, and--Excuse me." He got up and searched for a file in a locked cabinet.

Lucille fumed and worried, while Buster looked intrigued.

"I thought Annyong was only 15. You made me register him in the same grade as George Michael and Maeby."

"He is 15!" she spoke indignantly. "Mr. Chase here is obviously confused."

Buster grinned and speculated, "Ooh! Do you think Annyong got a fake ID from Gob?" He giggled and couldn't wait to see his adopted brother get into trouble.

Lucille hushed him sternly. "Be quiet, or you can go wait in the car."

The banker returned with a fat file and showed it to her. "Here it is. Annyong arrived here on the 15th with several documents, and we made copies for our records." He shook his head at the irony. "He came so well-prepared that I thought he was being all grown up. I thought he was making you proud."

Lucille gave him a withering look, then scrutinized the copies of Annyong's passport, birth certificate, and adoption paperwork. She dismissed them all with, "These are nothing but cheap forgeries! They don't even have his name right. Who's Jin Lee?"

The banker bit his lip and pointed, "Um, according to this, that was his Korean name before you adopted him. In fact, in the letter that I wrote to you, I advised you to formally and legally change his name to Annyong Bluth to avoid confusion."

Lucille was not amused, and she said firmly, "No, Annyong is his name, and it always has been. He couldn't stop saying it from the first moment he arrived."

The banker continued to sweat, looking flustered. "But--but the bank thoroughly authenticated these documents, Mrs. Bluth! We even called the adoption agency and checked his fingerprints and--"

"Oh you did, did you?" Lucille was highly skeptical of his, and the rest of the bank's competency.

"But we did!" he insisted. "I recognized Annyong from the last time he was here with you, but I still had to go through all the legal red-tape before I could officially turn the trust fund over to him. I don't understand how he could have faked all the documents and the phone calls... And what happened to the letter I sent you?"

"Never mind that!" Lucille was focused on the more important issue. "What did he do with the trust fund? How much did he spend?"

The banker thought about it and checked the transaction records for the trust fund, "Um, he--he transferred part of it to some relatives back in Korea, and then he--he withdrew a lot of it in a cashier's check. Said he needed it for college."

"How much?" Lucille demanded.

He cringed and told her weakly, "He's spent about $250,000."

Lucille fiercely grabbed the banker by his lapels and shook him. "That was $250,000 from my dead mother!"

The banker yelled for help, and some security guards rushed over, saying, "No touching!"

Lucille let him go and composed herself, then scornfully got up from her chair. "Come, Buster. This is the last time that we bank here."

Buster followed her out while the disgraced banker worried about his job, and how he'd have to call in the police to investigate.

* * *

Narrator: Back at the model home, Michael still huddled under the bedcovers.

Gob stood there, looking at his brother and feeling disappointed, but he could see that there was no arguing with Michael now, so he left the room and turned off the lights by the door. He didn't take the breakfast tray with him, though, because he didn't want to risk going downstairs while Lindsay was busy with the service guy.

So Gob went into the kids' room and sat down on the lower bunk bed, trying to figure out how else he could seduce Michael, if even a falsified DNA test wouldn't do. "If he would just stop thinking so much! I mean, no wonder he's only (bleep)ed seven women!"

Narrator: Michael also wished that he could stop thinking so much.

Alone but restless, Michael couldn't fall asleep. He kept brooding about Gob, as well as worrying about the Bluth company. He was no more happy with letting Ted be president than he was with letting Gob be president.

Trying to be rational, Michael told himself, "Come on, Ted's more competent than Gob, and it's only temporary. He's not plotting a coup while I'm gone. Dad is." Michael groaned and wished that he had turned in his father when he had the chance. The stress of harboring a fugitive who kept working against him was certainly contributing to his ulcer. "Well, he can't do anything without Tobias's help anyway, and I fixed that."

Narrator: Meanwhile, Gob remembered what Michael had said about fixing something for him.

"A vent? I wonder what--" Gob got up and went to the attic to have a look around.

Michael did not hear him, still thinking out loud, "Gob will get over it soon. He'll (bleep) some girl and be fine again." Then he grimaced. "But he'll be thinking about me, won't he? Oh God, why did he have to tell me that stuff? I shouldn't have asked him." He closed his eyes and rolled over, trying to forget Gob breathing, "I think about you all the time," let alone how long he let Gob touch him before pushing him off.

"Does he do it every night? With every girl?" Michael shivered and needed some distraction. Maybe if he went into the bathroom and splashed some cold water on his face.

As he started reaching for his crutches, Michael saw the breakfast tray resting on the chest and noticed that Gob hadn't eaten everything on his plate. The leftover food both looked and smelled tempting. It couldn't hurt just to nibble a little bit of bacon, right? The doctor ought to understand that restricting him to a tasteless diet would only result in him losing weight. So Michael pulled the tray onto the bed again.

Up in the attic, Gob looked around for air vents and wondered what he was supposed to do when he found one. Just as he discovered that he could see the living room from one vent, he glimpsed Lindsay doing the service guy on the couch. Gob quickly jerked back from the sight, but he could still hear moans, so he grabbed a nearby pillow to cover the vent and muffle the sound. It didn't even occur to him to wonder why there was bedding and an unrolled sleeping bag in the attic.

Then he heard a clinking sound of dishes from another air vent. After a hesitation, Gob curiously peered through the grate, realizing that it led to Michael's room. His brother was not sleeping at all, but sitting in bed and eating off his plate. Michael even sipped Gob's drink as well.

Gob smiled and felt oddly pleased to see Michael still cheating on his diet; apparently, he had invited Gob to watch him too. It was like they were sharing candy beans again. Now, if only he could feed Michael in person, and even slip him a pill maybe.

* * *

Narrator: And the kidnapping plot was underway.

Tobias drove through the Balboa Towers entrance, then looked for a parking spot.

From under the blanket, George Sr. asked, "Is the coast clear?"

Tobias glanced in the mirror to make sure that the gate attendant wasn't looking in their direction. "Yes."

So George Sr. pushed off the blanket and sat up in the backseat. He glanced toward the windows of the penthouse and rubbed his hands together. "This is perfect! Now we can knock him out, shave his head, and dump him somewhere in the SUV. Then the police will find him, and stop looking for me around here. Two birds with one stone!"

Tobias asked, "But what about when the cops find out that he's not you? They'll check his fingerprints, won't they?"

George Sr. nodded. "Yeah, that's what they did the last couple of times they arrested him instead of me. But he won't be able to explain how he got in the SUV, so they'll probably keep him for a while and figure that he stole the car while he was high. We'll wipe off my fingerprints and plant his on it. Then when Lucille comes to bail him out, he won't have his long hair anymore, and she won't like that. So even if Barry gets him off for grand theft auto, she'll send Oscar packing back to his lemon grove."

"Okay. Here we go." Tobias parked the car and got out with George Sr., who started to walk like Oscar and pretend to be stoned, in case the neighbors saw him.

But he muttered under his breath, "Don't forget the ether!"

"Oh, right." Tobias went back for the kidnapping supplies from the car.

* * *

Gob rushed back to the master bedroom and startled Michael when he came in.

"Oh!" He thought it was Lindsay for a moment, and swallowed quickly. On seeing that it was Gob instead, Michael became nervous for different reasons. "Gob, what are you doing?"

"Michael." Gob beamed happily and closed the door behind him. He didn't turn on the lights, but nodded toward the tray as he approached the bed. "You ate my food."

"Uh, yeah," Michael admitted. "I mean, you left it here. But look, Gob, you can't just barge in like this. I could have been asleep, and--"

"But you're not." Gob sat down and said, "I can take that for you."

Watching his eyes, Michael cautiously said okay and pushed the tray toward Gob.

Gob took it, but only moved it out of the way so he could sit closer.

"Gob--"

"You want some dessert?" Gob reached behind Michael's ear and pulled out a candy bean. This was one of the few illusions that he could do well, and he met Michael's eyes as he intoned sexily, "Such dirty ears. And a dirty mouth..." He started to feed Michael the bean, but Michael closed his lips and pushed his hand away.

"No, no! Stop it, Gob. I know what you're doing, but it's sick and--and creepy."

Gob pouted. "It wasn't creepy last night."

"Yes, it was!" Michael insisted. "I-I just wasn't thinking at first, and I was all drugged up on my painkillers and antibiotics."

"You don't seem drugged up now." If only Michael would let Gob feed him a pill. 

"Well, um, I think my night-time pills are stronger, and also, it--it's been a while since I had sex, so..."

"I don't think it's been that long since you (bleep)ed Sally Sitwell."

Narrator: Michael had also recently had a quickie with his ex, Maggie Lizer.

Clip from _My Hand to God_ of Michael and Maggie coming out of a hospital room with their clothes disheveled.

"It's still been a month," Michael said, "and how often do you--?" But Gob looked only too eager to talk about his sex life, so Michael quickly cut him off. "Never mind! Please just go!"

Gob shook his head, and tried another tactic. "Uh, Lindsay said, don't leave you again without your phone. Do you want mine?" He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and offered it teasingly.

Michael hesitated, then reached for the phone, only for Gob to withdraw it and hide it behind his back. "Gob!" Oh great. Gob was going to make him beg for it, or maybe even more than that. Well, he was not going to pimp himself out for a phone.

Gob grinned and guessed, "You're going to call Ted again, huh? You're supposed to be on vacation, but you just can't let go of the business. Naughty Mikey!"

Michael would not be riled. "You know, you're becoming just like Mom--getting off on being withholding."

"Getting off" only encouraged Gob. "Such a dirty mouth. Pretty mouth." He moved closer and nuzzled Michael's face again.

Michael still avoided his kiss, but tried to grab the phone before kicking his brother off him with his cast.

But just then, they heard Lindsay shouting in alarm, "Mom! Oh my God!"

"Mom?" They both stopped what they were doing and looked up in confusion. As they heard more commotion and voices downstairs, Gob finally got off Michael and gave up for now.

Narrator: Their mother had just arrived, and it was a huge turnoff.

* * *

Narrator: Lucille and Buster had just walked in on Lindsay in the living room.

"Dammit!" Lindsay hurriedly hid herself with some couch cushions, while Dick ducked behind the couch and got dressed.

Buster's jaw dropped, while Lucille sighed and spoke disparagingly, "Oh Lindsay! With a handyman? And cover yourself up! You're not a whore."

"Of all the worst (bleep)ing times!" Lindsay said in frustration, then she gasped. "Ew, Buster! Stop staring at me!"

Lucille gave her son a critical look and hit his arm, ushering him back to the foyer and making him face a wall until Lindsay was decent.

Blushing deeply, Dick finally picked up his toolbox and left, while Lindsay called after him, "Call me!"

Narrator: But Dick would not be calling Lindsay, however much he wanted to.

Dick returned to the van in disgrace, and the other agents reprimanded him for forgetting his job. "You didn't install a damn thing, did you?"

Dick lamely defended himself, "I-I thought if I got friendly with her, she'd invite me upstairs, and I could set up bugs and cameras there."

"You won't be setting up anything now, and I bet the boss will kick you out of the FBI."

"Or send you on a special mission in Iraq. (Bleep)! Now we need a new mole."

As the van drove off, Dick gave a last longing look toward the house.

Back inside the model home, Gob brought the breakfast tray downstairs, and Buster confided to him in a faint whisper, "I saw Lindsay's boobies! And there were zoo noises."

Gob started to say competitively, "Well, I saw Michael's--" But then he remembered his mother being within earshot and changed it to "--candy beans." Avoiding Lucille's eyes, he trudged on to the kitchen and unloaded the dishes into the sink.

Still mortified, Lindsay zipped up and wanted to run upstairs; maybe she could take a shower and then hide in her room, waiting for Dick to call or visit again.

However, Lucille blocked her exit. "Sit down."

"But Mom--"

"Sit down and listen!" Lucille re-entered the living room with Buster and cleared her throat. "Well, while you were here slumming it, Lindsay, I was at the bank today, and something terrible happened!"

"What, they wouldn't let you buy a yacht for Annyong's welcome back party?" Gob quipped.

Lucille ignored him and announced dramatically, "We've been robbed!"

Gob and Lindsay gasped together and for a moment looked genuinely concerned. "What? You were mugged at the bank?"

"No, no," Buster explained with pleasure, "Annyong got a fake ID and stole $250,000 out of his trust fund."

Lucille shook her head. "No, it wasn't Annyong. I've been thinking about it, and there was too much for him to do alone. It must have been a professional criminal--someone who forged those documents, arranged those phone calls, and stole my letter."

Buster protested, "But the bank man recognized Annyong."

"That incompetent idiot?! No, he just thought that he recognized Annyong, and he didn't want to admit that all those squinters look alike."

"Yeah, they do," Lindsay agreed, and Gob seemed impressed. "That must have been some trick. A robbery without a gun."

Buster said, "But they had fingerprints, Mom, and what about the transfer to Korea?"

"So it's a Korean conman," Lucille said. "No, Annyong is just another victim in this, and he doesn't even know yet, poor thing. I'd call him at Milford, but I don't know how to break it to him."

Disappointed and frustrated, Buster sat down on an ottoman, and he tried not to look at Lindsay or picture her naked again. He could smell the scent of sex, though.

The other siblings accepted Lucille's version of the story, and Gob asked, "Did you call the police yet?"

"Yes, and they're investigating now. But until we get the money back, I guess we can't have a lavish Spring Break party like I planned."

Then Lindsay had a thought. "Wait, this thief got $250,000? Just how much money was in that trust fund?"

Lucille quickly replied, "Only $250 grand. He emptied the account."

Narrator: Lucille was lying.

"But I thought you put all of Nana's money into this fund." Lindsay recalled the incident with some resentment. "She must have had more than that when she died."

Lucille lied again, "Well she left the rest of her estate to various charities and foundations that she wanted named after her. You know how vain she was."

Lindsay folded her arms. "I still want a look at that will."

"Well it's gone! It was burned up in that storage unit that caught on fire."

Narrator: Actually, that part was true. Both Lucille and George Sr. kept incriminating records there.

Clip of the storage unit on fire in _Top Banana_ , and Michael learning that it was arson. "Definitely the work of a flamer."

Narrator: The loss of the will inspired Lucille to keep the inheritance away from her children. She even claimed that Nana was alive for six months after her death.

Tired of being isolated in his bedroom, Michael came downstairs on his crutches. "Hi, Mom. What's this about Annyong? You were going to buy him a present?"

Lucille turned to him. "I was, Michael, until I found out that we were robbed!"

"Robbed? What happened?"

"Some thief went to the bank a month ago, impersonated Annyong with fake papers, and stole $250,000 out of his trust fund!"

Michael was stunned and leaned on the stair railing, but the shoddy construction of the house resulted in a piece breaking away. "Whoa!" He managed to catch himself and lean back against the sturdier wall, but Gob hurried up to him anyway and insisted on helping him the rest of the way down.

Lucille ignored the broken railing and went to the wet bar, pouring herself a drink. "They said that this 'Jin Lee' had the proper identification and proof of his age, but now I know that the security at that bank is a joke. I should transfer everything I still have there to another bank." She sipped her liquor, then remarked, "Imagine it, named after a drink, and they can't even spell it right."

Michael suggested calling the police, but Gob told him, "Mom already did that." He sat down with Michael, much too close again, but Michael tolerated it as Gob caught him up to the details.

Buster kept looking inappropriately at Lindsay, who was still thinking about Nana's money and wondering if she could get more information out of the banker, now that he was all panicked about the robbery.

"Buster!" Lucille spotted his looks and dragged him away. "We're going home now!"

Lindsay decided to go take her shower, and she told her brothers, "Um, if Dick comes back or calls the house, get his number and tell him that I'll call him back."

"Okay."

Alone again, Gob immediately tried kissing or drugging Michael, but Michael refused his advances and hissed, "Stop it! Go--go wash the dishes."

Then Michael picked up his cell phone and called Ted. "Hi, Ted? Yeah, it's me again."

"You should try to relax, you know."

"I-I know, but it's very difficult with my family. Being at work would almost be more relaxing. Um, anyway, there's been a snag with the teleconferencing hookup."

"What do you mean?"

"Well the service guy was just here, but he had to leave--"

"Wait, somebody was there already? That's very quick. They said they'd send someone tomorrow or this afternoon at the very earliest."

"Really?" Now Michael was confused. "Then who was that guy?"

"I-I don't know. Did he leave a name or anything?"

Michael saw what looked to be the man's tool belt by the TV, and the panel had not been closed up yet. "Oh, he left something."

"Well, do you want me to find out what happened? I could put my secretary on it, or maybe Gary."

"Um, no, never mind." Michael figured that he'd send Gob out to investigate, so that he could have a moment's peace at home. "Actually, I just wanted to reschedule the hookup and ask if I could get some other work done on the house. The stair railing broke again, and I need my bedroom soundproofed as soon as possible."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, um, it's too noisy in the house, and I can't get any sleep." The real reason why he couldn't sleep came back from the kitchen then and nuzzled him again.

"Michael."

"Shh!" He squirmed and said, "I'm on the phone!"

"Well, then I'll have my secretary set something up, but the workmen probably won't get there until tomorrow."

"All right, thanks. I--"

But Gob took the phone from him and hung up, tossing it away. "You called Ted again. You're so naughty, Mikey."

"Gob!" They wrestled on the couch, and Michael fell onto the carpet, trying to crawl away, though his cast impeded him.

Then Lindsay came downstairs after showering and dressing again, but she had almost no reaction to walking in on them. They spent practically their whole childhood having rough and tumble fights with each other. "Michael, I have to go to the bank now. If Dick calls, just tell him my cell phone number."

"Wait, Lindsay," Michael tried to warn her, "Dick isn't--"

"I know, I know! He's not rich enough, and you want him to do your stupid hookup. But I just want him to (bleep) me, and he can do your thing after."

"Lindsay!"

Gob did not actually try to kiss him in front of Lindsay, but he had no qualms about getting on top of him and hugging him inappropriately.

As Lindsay grabbed her keys and went to the door, she said, "Oh, Gob, when you get Michael back to his room, give him a sponge bath, okay?"

"Okay!" Gob replied eagerly, but Michael protested, "What? No! No sponge bath!"

Lindsay told him, "Come on, Michael! You can't shower with that cast on your leg, and the doctor told you that you have to keep those stitches clean and not get another infection."

"But I--"

She left anyway and locked the door behind her.

Panicking, Michael forcefully kicked Gob off him and declared, "You are not giving me a sponge bath!"

"But Lindsay said so!"

"I don't care! I don't need a sponge bath, especially not from you." He rolled away and tried to find his crutches.

Gob sat up and challenged, "What, you'd rather Mrs. Featherbottom do it?"

Michael grimaced at the memory of Tobias offering to do it that morning. "No, I don't need anyone to do it. I-I can give myself a sponge bath. I'm not helpless." With an effort, he got on his feet again and headed for the stairs.

Gob followed after him. "If you're not helpless, then why'd you call me and beg me to come home?"

"Because I was sorry, and I wanted to apologize." He frowned. "Maybe that was a mistake."

"It's not a mistake, Michael! Let's (bleep)."

"No! No, um, go find out who Dick is. He's not the real service guy."

Gob didn't believe Michael. "I'm not gonna leave you alone here."

"I don't need you." As he passed by the broken railing, his crutch slipped and he nearly fell, but Gob caught him and leaned him against the adjacent wall.

"You okay?"

Blushing, Michael realized that he ought to thank Gob, but he looked into his eyes and was too breathless to speak.

Gob leaned near and kissed his lips. It was surprisingly soft and gentle, and he asked in a needy way, "Don't you like me, Mikey? I like y--"

Michael cut him off with a deep and urgent kiss. He groaned and even heedlessly dropped his crutches as he put his arms around Gob.

Gob happily returned the embrace and pulled him upstairs to his bedroom.


	8. Sonsummating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael and Gob do it, while George Sr. tries to kidnap Oscar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This sex scene is more explicit than the version on fanfiction.net

Kissing feverishly, they stumbled into the bedroom together, but in the dim light Michael accidentally stepped on Gob's foot with his cast.

"Ow!" Gob broke away and winced. He only had on his flimsy sandals.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Michael switched on the lights and kissed his face regretfully.

Gob shrugged it off and was more careful about where to place his foot. "It's okay." He let their kisses take his mind off the pain.

Michael still feared that he might have broken a toe. "Are you sure?" he whispered. "Can you walk on that?"

"Yeah." He chuckled softly and added, "Don't need toes to (bleep)." As further proof that he was fine, Gob roughly pushed him against the door and shoved his tongue back down his throat.

Michael closed his eyes and groaned again. It tasted so good, and he didn't want to fight the desire anymore.

Gob was half tempted to strip his brother and (bleep) him right at the door, but knew that he should probably be gentle, given Michael's still healing body. So after only a little more necking, Gob half dragged and half carried him to the bed.

Sitting down, Gob quickly untied Michael's robe and helped him take it off while they kissed. Then they dropped the robe onto the floor and lay down.

Gob got on top, but Michael no longer tried kicking him off with his cast. He only wanted to hold Gob closer and tighter. Even through their clothes, he could already feel Gob's bulging erection, and Michael wondered what this would have felt like on the grass outside the courthouse, or even on the carpet downstairs. What if all their fighting had been a form of foreplay?

"Michael." Gob kicked off his sandals and tossed aside Michael's slipper too. Hoping that Michael wouldn't change his mind again, Gob groped him to confirm his arousal. "That's for me, huh, Mikey?"

Michael moaned and nodded, thrilled by his touch. Even just the way that Gob spoke that nickname was exciting.

"Maybe we could do a little sword fighting." Gob grinned, and gave him a quick thrust to demonstrate.

"Ohh!" Michael reacted with a gasp.

What a perfect moment. Gob had wanted this for so long, and now it was really happening. He began wriggling up Michael's t-shirt once more.

Michael glanced at Gob's clothes and licked his lips. He repeated his earlier question, "Are--are those your stripper pants?"

Gob smiled and met his brother's eyes meaningfully. "Yeah. You wanna see?" He got up and dramatically ripped off his pants, pleased that Michael watched him with obvious interest this time. For a moment, Gob even considered doing a full strip tease, but he had no music. So he returned to Michael's arms instead and kissed him passionately.

However, in tossing aside his stripper pants, Gob knocked over something on the nightstand, and Michael turned to look. He realized that his photo of Tracey had fallen down, and the frame was trapped between the bed and night-stand.

Michael frowned and felt guilty again, but then Gob's tongue flicked in his ear. He closed his eyes and shivered. "Oh, it's so wrong!"

"Don't fight it, Mikey," Gob urged. "Don't think. Just (bleep) me."

So Michael lost his morals again in a flurry of kisses. He found that Gob's own shirt came off rather easily, reminding him of when Gob kept ripping his shirt open for a card trick during Spring Break, and he even bumped his painted nipples against Michael's chest. Apparently the line between being a magician and being a stripper was a fine one.

"Michael." Oh, that voice. "Michael, say my name."

He sighed, "Gob," and ran his hands along Gob's old scars.

Gob finished pulling off Michael's t-shirt, and resumed the delicious teasing from the night before. They were dangerously blurring the line between brothers and lovers, but it was too good to stop. No one else was in the house anyway, so Michael thought that they might just get away with this. But mostly he didn't think at all. "More touching," he pleaded breathlessly.

Gob pulled down Michael's pajama pants, but one leg got caught on his cast. So he just ripped the pants off, and Michael rewarded him with a hungry kiss. They sank back to the bed together, and Gob slid down Michael's body.

Michael ran his fingers through Gob's hair, and he groaned when Gob breathed against his navel, "Mikey." Then Gob dragged down his underwear, to begin nuzzling his banana and nuts.

"Oh God!" Michael cried out and clutched his brother's head. All the blood rushed to his groin, and he quivered once Gob tasted him. Backing off a little, Gob slowed down his teasing, but Michael still did not last long. "Gob!"

He was glad to hear Michael cry out his name, but somewhat disappointed by the abrupt ending. While Michael recovered, Gob finished discarding Michael's underwear, which had also caught on his cast.

Gob sat up and commented with a chuckle, "That was quick. Hey, maybe you need to drink some of that dong tea that I bought at Ancient Chinese Secret. Gives your dingle less tingle."

Michael replied with a blush, "Well, I-I usually last longer with women, but I just couldn't help it this time. It was so... hot."

"Yeah." Gob grinned proudly and kissed him. "You haven't seen anything yet, Mikey! I can give you all kinds of orgasms."

Michael was not sure whether Gob was only boasting, but it seemed pretty clear that Gob had some gay experience, which surprised him. Michael knew of course that Gob had obliviously flirted with guys at the office like Gary, but he didn't know that Gob's sordid sex life actually included men. Michael on the other hand had never done anything gay, let alone incestuous, before.

Gob nuzzled him happily and murmured, "Well, my turn now." So he pulled off his own shorts and started stroking himself. Michael watched him hesitantly, but otherwise lay still. Thinking that the best cure for shyness was direct contact, Gob grabbed Michael's hand and made him touch his cock.

Startled, Michael pulled away and stammered, "I-I don't know."

"Come on, Mikey. I did stuff for you."

"Yeah, but I never, um..." Michael remained nervous and wondered what Gob expected of him. Would Gob literally (bleep) him, or was that just a figure of speech?

Gob told him, "But it's easy. It's just like jerking yourself off."

So Michael timidly touched him, and Gob kissed him.

Michael slowly got used to fondling the unfamiliar erection, while Gob lent a hand to guide him. "Yeah, yeah that's better."

Michael tried not to get weirded out that he was groping his brother. After all, he had never kissed Gob before last night, either, but he certainly enjoyed that.

"Mmm." Gob sighed and urged him to be bolder. "Come on, Mikey. Do you wanna be Baby Banana-Grabber, or Mr. Banana-Grabber?"

Michael blinked and sputtered. "Gob! You--you really are sick, you know that?"

Gob shrugged indifferently. "No more than you are."

Michael realized that Gob was right, so he nodded. "Yeah, I-I guess so." He kissed Gob apologetically, and grasped him firmly.

"Oh!" Gob closed his eyes as Michael started stroking his erection with a slow rhythm. Gob nuzzled him and grunted encouragingly. After Michael picked up the pace, Gob pumped urgently into his hand too, until he finally climaxed. As Michael let go, Gob collapsed back onto the pillows and caught his breath.

Michael stared at him in awe, and listened to him in the stillness. They had actually done it. They had sex, and the world didn't end. Everything had changed, and yet nothing had changed. Michael said softly, "Wow."

Gob nodded and felt pleased that Michael really wanted him, despite all his denials. "I didn't even have to give you a pill."

"A pill?"

"Uh," Gob covered by gesturing toward Michael's medicine bottles. "You know, you said you were all drugged up before."

"Oh." Michael caressed Gob's face, and admitted softly, "It wasn't the drugs. Or the candy beans."

"I know." Gob smiled and hugged him again.

Michael laughed and glanced at their bodies, covered in sweat and other juices. "Looks like we could both really use a sponge bath."

Gob laughed and sat up. "Okay, I'll be right back." With another kiss, he got out of bed and pulled on Michael's robe as he left the room.

Michael sat up and spotted Tracey's photo again. With guilt, he unwedged the frame from between the bed and nightstand. As he looked at his late wife, he couldn't help but pull the blankets over his nudity.

"I'm sorry," he said, biting his lip and putting the photo away, along with the other photo of George Michael. He hid them both in the top drawer of the night-stand, where he had kept Tracey's photo ever since he started dating again, and couldn't look at her while kissing Beth Baerly.

While waiting alone, Michael tried not to imagine what Tracey would have thought of him sleeping with Gob, but it was difficult, and he also worried about George Michael's possible reaction.

Fortunately, Gob came back then, having exchanged Michael's plain robe for his sexy silk robe. At the house, Gob had a tendency to lounge all day in his robe, which always made Michael uncomfortable and self-conscious, especially when he let a lot of chest hair show through. That was part of the reason why Michael felt insecure about his own body, but now he realized that this anxiety was partly from desire.

Gob gave him back his robe and said, "I'll get your crutches and phone too. As long as you don't call anybody."

Michael chuckled. "No, I-I don't feel like going over blueprints with Ted right now."

"Good!" Gob kissed him lingeringly, then left again.

* * *

Narrator: Lucille and Buster were on their way home...

Lucille drove with her usual recklessness and kept rebuking Buster for ogling Lindsay earlier. "It's bad enough that I caught you with Lupe, and that roomba, and that teddy bear."

Buster anxiously mumbled that Mother should look at the road more, and clutched his car seat for dear life. Forgetting his hook again, he accidentally punctured the seat cushion.

Lucille groaned. "Buster!"

Narrator: ...while Oscar was on his way out.

At the penthouse, Oscar was sitting on the couch when he heard a knock, so he got up and ambled to the front door. "Lucille? Buster? Did you forget your key?"

When he opened the door, though, Tobias was standing there. "Hello! How are you?"

"Uh, hello." Oscar shrugged and let Tobias enter. "I'm fine. What's up?" But once he turned away toward the living room, Tobias sprang onto his shoulders, cat-like, and covered his mouth with an ether-soaked handkerchief.

Oscar struggled and protested for a bit, while George Sr. rushed over from his hiding place around the corner of the hallway. He came in with a large sack and a coil of rope to tie Oscar up with. With a grin, he closed the door and said, "Now we'll see how Lucille likes you without your long hair!"

As Oscar passed out on the floor, Tobias got off and said triumphantly, "There's nothing like going down on a man!"

George Sr. reacted with a double take.

Tobias remained oblivious. "What? Oh, did I drop my fake mustache?" Tobias had shaved off his real mustache to play Mrs. Featherbottom.

George Sr. said, "Never mind that, you fruit! Help me carry him to the bathroom so that we can shave his head."

However, there came another knock on the door.

Tobias asked worriedly, "Lucille's not home already?"

George Sr. hushed him, "No, she has a key. Ignore it." They continued dragging Oscar toward the bathroom.

But the visitor knocked again and rang the doorbell. "Yoo-hoo! It's your housekeeper, Mrs. Featherbottom. I seem to have lost my key."

George Sr. and Tobias looked at each other with shock and confusion.

The false Mrs. Featherbottom sighed and said, "Oh dear. They're not home yet. Maybe if I knock on her neighbor's door to let me in..."

George Sr. kept motioning for Tobias to ignore her, but Tobias dropped Oscar and strode to the door angrily. "You're not Mrs. Featherbottom!"

When he yanked open the door, the false housekeeper turned around and happily entered. "Oh, thank you! I didn't want to wait outside. I have a bit of a cold." She held up a handkerchief to her face, but her thick blond mustache still showed through.

George Sr. quickly covered up Oscar with the sack while Tobias demanded of the impostor, "Who are you? You're a fake!"

Giving up his pretense, the man yanked off his wig dramatically and smiled, waiting for someone to scream and laugh in delight the way that Lucille always did. But nobody recognized him, so he said with disappointment, "I'm Gene Parmesan, Lucille's private detective. She's not here yet, is she?" He looked around the apartment.

George Sr. stopped him from roaming and asked, "Wait. Lucille's detective?"

"Yeah, she called me and asked me to meet her here, after what happened at the bank."

George Sr. frowned with concern. "What happened at the bank?"

"She didn't call you yet, Oscar? Well, I'll let her tell you the details when she gets here, but basically--" He stopped, though, when he looked at "Oscar" more closely. "Hey, is that a wig? And you, you've got a fake mustache! What's going on here?"

George Sr. started to attack Gene and motion for Tobias to use his ether-soaked handkerchief again, but Gene was able to fight them off. He knocked out George Sr., then pulled off his wig.

"This is George, isn't it?" he asked Tobias. He also pulled out a gun from the bosom of his disguise.

Tobias put up his hands and nodded meekly. "But he--he just wanted revenge against Oscar for (bleep)ing his wife." He glanced toward Oscar, who remained unconscious.

Gene saw him now and pulled the sack off. "Ah there's the real Oscar! Well, George Sr.'s a wanted fugitive, so I'm going to have to turn him into the police. Come here, and tie George up with this rope."

Tobias reluctantly knelt down and did so.


	9. Aunt Emily

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael gets a sponge bath. George Sr. escapes, and Lucille's sister, Emily, plots with Annyong.

After retrieving Michael's crutches and phone, Gob laid them on the chest before going into Michael's bathroom to get sponges and a soapy basin of water. Michael thanked him and smiled, untying his robe in anticipation.

Once Gob returned to bed, they eagerly kissed and got naked again. Gob lay close and began sensually washing Michael with the warm water.

Michael grabbed a sponge too and brushed it along his brother's skin. Since they had already had sex, they were relaxed enough to enjoy a slow, intimate bath. Michael still knew that this was wrong, but it was hot wrong, and he just wanted to enjoy it. He'd been suffering in the hospital for far too long lately. It felt good to be naughty, to be both dirty and clean at the same time.

"Mikey." Gob leaned close and nuzzled his ear.

"Mmm," Michael sighed appreciatively and traced wet fingers down his brother's back.

While Gob gently washed Mikey's stitches, he commented, "You didn't wanna take off your shirt before, huh?"

"Um, yeah." Michael did not tell Gob that he wouldn't have taken it off even before his surgical scars.

"It'll get better," Gob said, and pointed out his own faded scar from being shanked. "But maybe it might hurt too much to (bleep) for a while." He laughed as he recalled, "Marta was all careful after first I got out of prison. That's when I moved to the yacht."

Michael raised an eyebrow, but felt easygoing enough at the moment not to lecture his brother about his sleaziness. They were both being very bad today.

Gob had brought up injuries for a reason, though, and he asked, "So how long did the doctor tell you to wait before (bleep)ing anybody?"

"Oh, um..." Michael thought it over and told him with shrug, "Actually, my doctor told me that I shouldn't even be having sex at all. Not for a few weeks at least."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, what with all the surgeries, and the car accident, and my ulcer... I mean, I told him that I didn't even have a girlfriend now, but he warned me just in case I, uh, ran into an ex."

Clip of Michael and Maggie coming out of a hospital room after their quickie.

"Oh." Gob grinned wickedly and chuckled. "But we already broke that no-sex rule, huh?"

Michael chuckled too. "Yeah." He met Gob's eyes and whispered, "Yeah, we broke a lot of rules."

Gob murmured sexily, "So let's try breaking some more."

Michael nodded and pulled him close for a kiss. With soft moans, they began groping each other in earnest.

* * *

Narrator, relieved by the change of scene: At the penthouse, Gene Parmesan had just captured George Sr.

While Tobias tied up George with the rope, Gene watched him to make sure that he did it right. "Good! Now I'll get the reward, instead of that bounty hunter Ice!"

"If you just want a reward, then why don't we pay you off?" Tobias suggested. "Then we could just leave here without Oscar, and forget the whole thing."

"No way! You're aiding and abetting a criminal here. This is serious stuff!" Then Gene added, "Hey, just who are you anyway? You're not the real Tobias, are you?"

"What?" He finished the last knot and insisted, "No, no! I'm Tobias Fünke."

Gene squinted at him skeptically, while comparing him to a family photo of Lindsay and Tobias. "Well, you do look like him, but then why are you wearing that fake mustache? Is it a disguise?"

"Oh this? No, I-I just shaved off my real mustache for... for an acting gig." He still looked resentfully at Gene's clothes, then turned the question around, "Why were you disguised as Mrs. Featherbottom?"

"Because I'm a detective," Gene replied, as if that explained everything. When Tobias only glared at him, Gene shrugged and touched his mustache, admitting, "I like mine too much to shave it off. I only wanted to fake out Lucille for a second anyway. But let's get back to you and George here. How long have you been helping him, and what were you gonna do with Oscar? What kind of revenge were you planning?"

Tobias felt defensive and asked instead, "Wait, why did Lucille call you? You said that something happened at the bank."

Gene didn't see the harm in answering that. "Well, somebody stole a lot of money out of Annyong's trust fund. It apparently happened a month ago, but they only just found out about it."

"Really? Well, that--that sounds like a big case. Shouldn't you get busy on solving that instead of worrying about us?"

"No, I have time until Lucille comes home. Now come on, answer some questions, or else I'll go ahead and call the police. They'll make you talk!"

"No, no, please!"

Narrator: Just then, Lucille and Buster arrived home.

She opened the door and complained, "Now I'll have to get that car cushion patched, and--"

Gene jumped up, and scrambled to put on his wig again. He was so distracted, that he even set down his gun on a table, while grabbing a handkerchief to cover up his mustache. Unfortunately, Gene didn't grab his disguise handkerchief, but Tobias's ether soaked one instead. "Hello, I--" he began in Mrs. Featherbottom's voice, but soon grew dizzy and passed out with a thud.

Lucille and Buster looked startled. "Huh?"

"What's going on here?"

Tobias stood up and spoke triumphantly, "It's me, Tobias. I've just foiled an intruder! This--this guy pretended to be Mrs. Featherbottom, so he could break in here and, and kidnap Oscar."

"Oh no!" Lucille gasped, and started to call the police. But then she noticed both Oscar on the floor and George Sr. tied up in a chair, so she hung up. "George?"

Tobias quickly added, "And he, uh, tied up George Sr. too."

Buster was confused. "I thought Dad was in Iraq."

Lucille shook her head and recalled the leaked video. "No that must be what he wanted people to believe, when he was wearing that turban. Michael walked in, so it couldn't have been in Iraq."

"Oh."

Lucille started to come closer, but Tobias warned her to stay back, as he hurriedly untied George and used the rope to tie up Gene.

So she asked, "What's George doing back here?"

Buster glanced at his hook and guessed, "Maybe he came because he heard about me losing my hand."

"Or maybe he heard about our scare at the bank today," Lucille mused. "Oh, what if he hired a Korean to steal from the trust fund? I bet he needed money."

Buster protested, "I still think it was Annyong."

"You would," she said. "And maybe he came back because the Korean double-crossed him and sent some of the money to Korea instead of Iraq."

Tobias shrugged and said, "Well, anyway, we've gotta go now." He picked up George Sr. from the chair and tried to leave the apartment, but Lucille stopped him.

"No, I want to talk to my husband."

"Not right now. We have to go," Tobias insisted. "You call the police on this guy, and we'll go hide, so that George doesn't get caught."

"But--"

George woke up then, and realized that Tobias was touching him, so he stood up and pushed him away. "Get your hands off me, you Nellie!"

"George!" Lucille went up to him and kissed him. "What are you doing here?"

"Lucille? You're home already?" He looked around the apartment and wondered what had happened.

By now, Buster had knelt down to examine Oscar on the floor. He said, "Hey, Uncle," and tried to wake him, but Buster accidentally stuck him with his hook again.

Oscar sat up and yelped with pain. "I'm bleeding!"

Seeing that his kidnapping plot was foiled, George Sr. turned and grabbed a wig, before escaping out the front door.

Lucille called out, "Wait, George! I want some answers!"

Tobias just followed his example and ran after him.

Lucille threw up her hands and angrily slammed the door. "That bastard." Then she called the police, while Buster apologized to his Uncle Oscar and asked for an ambulance as well.

Only later would Lucille realize that the "intruder" was Gene Parmesan. In the mean time, she thought it would be safer to get out of the penthouse, so she went to pack some bags for herself and Buster. Oscar only had one pair of pants, which he was wearing.

* * *

Narrator: Meanwhile, Lindsay arrived at the bank.

The police were still conducting interviews and investigating records, when the Bluths' family banker got sent home by the manager. "We're suspending you until this investigation is over."

Lindsay ran into the crestfallen man walking out, and she said, "Hi. Lindsay Bluth. Can I talk you about--?"

The banker blinked and frowned. "Bluth? Oh, no, no, I can't talk about anything! The police already questioned me, and they're handling this whole inquiry now. I'm not authorized--"

"But--but I just wanna ask you about my nana's will. It burned in a fire, and I need to see if the bank has any copies of it."

He thought about it and asked, "You mean Lucille's mother? Yeah, there's one in there, and I already sent out a copy to your Aunt Emily."

"Aunt Emily?"

Narrator: Lindsay hadn't heard from her maternal aunt in years, ever since Lucille sent her away for sleeping with George.

The banker shrugged. "Yeah, Lucille requested that we mail her sister a copy, to resolve some dispute a few months ago. Go talk to her, or see the manager." He then hurried past her to his car in the parking lot.

"I will." Lindsay went inside, unaware that her Aunt Emily was at that very moment sitting in a nearby car with tinted windows.

Emily Westmore had driven to the bank, only to be startled by the sight of several police cars in the lot. Hoping that some unrelated crime had occurred, she had told her driver to go inside and discreetly find out what was going on. She would have sent her adopted nephew, who was skilled at being neither seen nor heard, but she couldn't risk raising suspicions.

As they waited, Annyong pointed to the family banker and said, "Look, he talk to Lindsay."

"That's Lindsay? She must have a new nose." Emily sighed and frowned. "Then I suppose it's true. Somehow they found out about our little scheme. We won't get to make another withdrawal, I'm afraid."

Annyong shrugged. "We get revenge some other way."

She smiled and nodded. "Yes, we will!" She took out her cell phone. "In the mean time, I think I should transfer the money to an offshore account."

"Money not go to Korea?" Annyong asked.

"Oh, no, you can keep the money that you sent to your family. It is your trust fund, so it's legally yours. I've just got to hide my share, so Lucille can't try to steal it back." So Emily called her banker and had her money wired to an untraceable account.

Soon the driver returned and told them, "Apparently, your sister visited the bank earlier this morning and caused quite a scene about the missing money."

"Lucille was here? Huh, well I guess she was planning early for Spring Break."

Annyong asked, "I still go home for Spring Break?" He had been looking forward to seeing Maeby again.

Emily replied, "No, I don't think we can risk it now. We need a new plan before Lucille discovers anything else. I bet she won't figure out the truth until she realizes that you're not at Milford anymore."

"Oh." Annyong looked disappointed, but he knew that he must put the revenge ahead of a mere crush. That was the whole reason he had come to America and pretended not to know any English, at least in front of Lucille.

Emily said, "Drive us home, James. We'll let my sister squirm and worry for a while. That'll teach her for trying to cut me out of Mother's will."

* * *

At the model home, Michael and Gob were still in bed when Michael's cell phone started ringing. Michael groaned and said, "Give it to me. I'll turn it off."

So Gob picked up the phone, but he noticed the caller ID picture on the screen. "It's Mom."

"What?" Michael took it and said, "Oh, she's probably just worried about that bank robbery. She can leave a message." He turned off the phone and set it aside.

They got back to their mutual tongue bath, but the house phone started ringing. Since the phone was in Lindsay's room, though, it was easier for them to ignore the sound and continue their naughty pleasures.

Narrator: Had they listened to the answering machine, they would have heard this message:

Lucille screeched shrilly, then said, "It's a crime spree, Michael! First the bank, and now an intruder broke into my own apartment to kidnap Oscar. Plus, your father is in town, but I suppose you already know. We can discuss it when I come over. I don't feel safe here anymore, so I'm packing up Buster and Oscar, and we're going to stay at the house with you. I'll see you after we leave the hospital."


	10. A Close Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucille finds out what happened, while Tobias and George Sr. visit the model home.

After Lucille left the message for Michael, she called Gene Parmesan to arrange to meet him at the hospital instead. However, she heard his cell phone ringing from somewhere in the apartment. Puzzled, she followed the faint sound back into the living room.

"Gene?" Then she realized that the ringing was coming from the fake housekeeper lying on the floor. So she pulled off the wig and and tossed aside the handkerchief, shrieking with recognition, "Gene!"

Narrator: But Lucille was not delighted this time.

"What?" Buster looked shocked and anxious. "You know the kidnapper's name?"

Lucille hung up her phone and answered, "He's not a kidnapper, you fool! He's my detective Gene Parmesan."

"Oh, him!" Now he remembered Lucille calling Gene about the bank robbery.

"That stupid Tobias! Then why was George--? Oh, Gene must have captured him, and maybe he knocked out Oscar by mistake." She went over to Oscar, who was still softly moaning in pain. "Oscar, do you remember what happened?"

But Oscar was too disoriented by the ether to answer coherently. He spoke Tobias's name and tried making gestures about being jumped on and drugged, but they didn't understand him.

"Never mind. Just don't bleed too much until the ambulance gets here." Lucille returned to Gene and began untying him. "Gene, wake up! Wake up." But he was too far gone.

Then Buster asked her what they should do about the police coming.

"Oh no! I shouldn't have called. Buster, don't mention to them that George was here. I need to talk to Tobias and Michael first, and--Come on, Gene! Please."

When the police arrived, Lucille apologized to them for the false alarm, saying that she was jumpy and easily startled after the bank robbery. "He's just my private detective, and I didn't recognize him in this disguise. It was all a misunderstanding."

The police accepted her excuses, and offered to help take Gene to the hospital too, because breathing in ether for too long was dangerous.

"Oh, thank you." Lucille left the packed bags behind, and they all departed.

* * *

Narrator: So, unlike Lindsay, Michael and Gob were spared a mortifying discovery by their mother, but they were going to be interrupted anyway.

On the way back to the model home, Tobias explained to George what had happened while he was unconscious.

"You told her that Gene was trying to kidnap Oscar?" George asked. "That doesn't even make sense. And what happens when Gene wakes up and tells her differently?"

"I-I don't know. I thought that he'd stay knocked out long enough for the police to take him away."

"Yes, but then _they'll_ interview him when he wakes up. So they'll know I was there, and come looking for me. You idiot!"

"I'm sorry! I just didn't know what else to do, to escape."

"Well, never mind now! Let's just hide, and go check on Michael."

"Lindsay should still be there, taking care of him."

"Oh right. Well, you distract her so that I can get back into the attic and come up with a new plan. I just hope that Lucille didn't notice Mrs. F's car at Balboa Towers, and tell the police about it."

Pull back to the Union Jack painted on their wildly conspicuous car.

Tobias ventured, "Maybe she'll assume that Gene brought it as part of his disguise."

"You better hope so. And you better hope that Gene stays out for a long time."

They parked in the garage and cautiously entered the house through the kitchen door. George Sr. kept on his wig and pretended to be Oscar, while Tobias called out, "Lindsay? Michael? Where are you?"

George murmured, "Wait, I didn't see the staircar parked outside, just the Segway. Where is she?"

"Oh, you're right. Maybe she left and went to check on Lucille. But she'd probably leave Gob here." Tobias ran up the stairs and called more loudly, "Michael!"

Michael blinked and broke off their kiss. Whispering, "Oh no! They're home!" he pushed Gob off him and sat up. "Stop it."

"(Bleep)." Gob groaned and got up, not even noticing Michael's use of "they." "Don't worry, I'll just lock the door."

"No, get out of here!" Michael frantically searched for his clothes.

Gob locked the door anyway and put on his robe. "No, see, you can tell him that you're trying to nap, and he'll go away."

"No--"

"Michael!" Tobias arrived at the door and found it locked. "Michael, are you in there?"

So Michael reluctantly took Gob's suggestion. "Uh, yeah, but I'm trying to sleep."

"Oh, I'm sorry I woke you. I just wanted to check that you're okay."

"I'm fine. Just tired."

"Are you alone here? Didn't Lindsay come back this morning?"

"Yeah, but then she left for the bank. It was after Mom came over and said--"

"Oh yes, I know about that. What about Gob? We saw his Segway out front."

Gob decided to speak up. "I'm here. I was just giving Michael a sponge bath."

Michael blushed deeply.

Gob asked, "Hey, what do you mean 'we'? Is somebody with you?"

Tobias stammered, "Um... just Oscar. He needs some clothes from the attic."

"Oh." Gob laughed. "Yeah, Mom says that he's only got one pair of pants left."

"Yeah." Tobias was confused, though. "Wait, you're giving Michael a sponge bath? But he said he was sleeping."

Gob covered, "He's just embarrassed about being helpless and naked. That's why we locked the door."

"Naked," Tobias spoke with evident interest.

Michael pulled the blankets over him.

Gob got a little jealous and said sternly, "Hey, guy! Go get those pants for Oscar and get out of here."

"Um, okay." Tobias returned downstairs to report to George Sr.

Gob looked confused and sat on the bed again. "Why didn't he go to the attic?"

Michael hesitated and said, "Uh, he probably wanted Oscar to pick out the clothes himself. Anyway, I told him to stay away from Tracey's clothes."

"Oh yeah." Gob shrugged it off, then smiled and tried to kiss him. "Come here."

"No, don't!" Michael moved away and shook his head.

"Why not? They won't bother us now. We just gotta be quiet."

"No, Gob. They're in the house, and they could still see us." Michael pointed up at the vent. "That goes to the attic, and they can see us from there."

"Oh right, I saw that."

"Yeah, so we can't do anything until we're really alone, or that vent gets fixed tomorrow. And you should put on some clo--"

Just then, Tobias and George returned, and they could hear the attic steps being pulled down.

Michael gestured at Gob to go hide, so he grabbed a pile of clothes and hurried into the bathroom to dress. Michael hurried to dress as well, but he had forgotten that Gob ripped his pajama pants off earlier. And apparently, Gob had also taken his underwear into the bathroom. "Damn." He reached for his robe instead and tied it on, before straightening up the bed.

Meanwhile, Tobias and George Sr. went upstairs, not saying anything, lest Gob could overhear them. They looked through the boxes for more clothes, but Tobias sneakily peered through the vent toward Michael's room, hoping to catch a glimpse of him naked.

George Sr. noticed and pulled him away, hissing, "Get away from there, you fruit!"

Tobias bluffed, "I-I was just checking if Gob was still there. I didn't see him."

"I know what you were looking at. Go downstairs and make me a snack or something."

Tobias reluctantly obeyed.

Michael heard some of their whispering, and he limped into the bathroom, worried that Gob might have overheard too and recognized their father's way of speaking.

Michael was scarcely inside before Gob smiled and embraced him.

Gob clearly wanted a kiss too, but Michael pulled back and shut the door first. "Did you hear?"

"What?"

"Um, nothing." At least George Sr. and Tobias had been talking quietly enough. He glanced up to check that there was no vent in the bathroom. Here at least, they could have some privacy.

Gob kissed him this time and pressed him against the tiled wall. "You wanna have some fun in here?"

Michael was too nervous, though, and he took Gob's hand off his bathrobe. "No, uh, maybe you should leave now, and I'll take a real nap, okay?"

"No, come on, Mikey. Let's stay here and have fun in the bathtub."

"We just had a bath."

"But we didn't finish, and there's some bath oils in here that we could use for lube--"

Michael blushed again and answered hoarsely, "No!" He turned and opened the door, going back to bed.

Gob followed him and said softly, "Mikey, I didn't mean to scare you--"

"Shh!" Michael lay down and pulled the covers over him.

Gob sighed and glanced up, asking, "What if we cover up that vent?"

"No! Just go, Gob. I don't want a bath now."

Gob reluctantly unlocked the door and left. He went up the attic steps and startled George Sr. "Uncle Oscar?"

"Uh, yeah that's me." George Sr. held the wig firmly to his head and tried to speak like he was high.

Gob told him, "Look, hurry up and find some pants, okay? Then go back to Mom's, 'cause Michael doesn't like having you around."

"Um, okay." He grabbed a box of clothes and decided to leave. "Tell him I hope he feels better soon."

"Yeah, bye." Gob ushered him out, then folded the steps back into the ceiling. He returned to the bedroom and locked the door again. "He's gone now, Mikey."

Michael didn't look up, trembling.

Gob crawled onto the bed and tried to kiss him.

"No."

"But he's gone. They're both downstairs now."

"They're still in the house. We can't risk it." He complained, "Why did you have to say that stuff in front of them, Gob?"

"What? I told them that you were embarrassed."

"Yeah, but they could think--" He moaned softly, "Oh God, we almost got caught."

"Almost. Everything's fine now. We could go back into the bathroom if you're nervous." Gob kept trying to persuade him into having more sex, but Michael refused.

* * *

Downstairs, Tobias fixed a snack, while George Sr. talked softly, "It was weird. Gob said, 'I didn't mean to scare you.' What do you think he was talking about?"

Tobias shrugged and spoke distractedly, "Did Michael take off his robe?"

"Shut up!" Then George Sr. said, "Maybe Michael's still conspiring with Gob, and trying to keep me out of the company. I thought that maybe he told Gob about me, but Gob still thought I was Oscar. I just don't get it."

Tobias said, "I don't know why he'd let Gob give him a sponge bath, and not Mrs. Featherbottom."

George Sr. looked annoyed. "Never mind! Where's my food?"

Tobias brought over sandwiches and drinks for them.

As they ate, George Sr. said, "We gotta figure out what we're gonna do if the police come after us." He turned on the TV to watch for any news reports about the attempted kidnapping. Then he noticed the tool belt on the floor and wondered where it came from.

Tobias suggested, "Well should we use your SUV instead, if the police are looking for my car now?"

George Sr. considered that. "Maybe we can find some paint to disguise the SUV or Mrs. F's car. We could probably switch the license plates too."

"But Mrs. F's car is a hired car. You can't do stuff to it."

"You rented that? From where, Wee Britain?" This was an English-themed section of Orange County that he knew about.

Tobias nodded. "Where else am I going to learn how to be a British housekeeper?"

George Sr. rolled his eyes and started to complain that the British couldn't be trusted, but then they heard someone coming down the stairs.

"Hey, you guys still here?" Gob asked from the opening above the wet bar.

"Uh, just having some snacks."

"I'm high," George Sr. said.

Tobias asked, "You wanna bring something up to Michael?"

"Uh, yeah I guess." Gob went down to the kitchen. "But hurry up and leave."

George Sr. found this rush to get rid of them suspicious, and he ventured, "You said Michael was scared of something."

"What?" Gob then realized what he meant, and lied, "I, uh, showed him my scar from getting shanked in prison. He's all paranoid about his surgery scars."

George Sr. wasn't entirely convinced, but Gob insisted, "Hurry up! You guys can go eat at Mom's place."

They reluctantly finished their sandwiches and decided to leave. Tobias said, "I'll go see where Mrs. Featherbottom went."

"No," Gob said, with a touch of jealousy again. "We don't need her. I'm taking care of Michael. Just go to Mom's."

George and Tobias took the box and headed into the garage, intending to switch cars by driving to where the SUV was parked and hidden.

* * *

At the hospital, Buster sat with Oscar, while Lucille waited with Gene Parmesan, who was now wearing a hospital gown. He finally woke up in the bed and spoke groggily, "Lucille?"

"I'm right here." She handed him his glasses. "Are you okay?"

"Uh, I guess so. I'm in the hospital?"

"Yes, they were worried about how much ether you breathed in."

"Oh. That damn Tobias must have snuck up on me while I was distracted."

Lucille told him, "You gave me quite a scare, and Tobias said that you were an intruder, trying to kidnap Oscar."

"He did? Why, that weaselly little (bleep)!"

"I'm sorry I didn't recognize you in your disguise. You're just so good."

"I am," Gene said proudly, then he sat up. "What about George?"

"He got away. Tobias untied him, and they ran off before I called the police."

"Damn it, there goes my reward!"

"Tell me what happened."

Gene told her everything, and she looked upset. "George tried to kidnap Oscar?"

Gene pointed out, "But now we know that your son-in-law is in cahoots with your husband. We've got to bring those bastards in."

"You're right, Gene, but we can't risk tipping them off, because then George will just try to escape again. Besides, you need to recover now. Why don't you just concentrate on my trust fund case, while I try to get to Tobias and George?"

"Okay. Well, tell me all the details about the bank first. Oh wait, I'm gonna need my notepad and stuff."

* * *

Afterward, Lucille dropped off Buster and a bandaged Oscar at home, telling them to unpack the bags. Then she drove to the model home and tried calling Michael again, but he still wouldn't answer.

At the house, Gob tried to bring a tray to Michael, but the door was locked now. "Mikey, come on!"

"No!"

"They left already. I saw them go in the car."

"Really?"

"Yeah, trust me. Plus I brought you some food. Are you hungry?"

Michael relented and came to the door, letting him in. Then they sat on the bed and ate, but Michael was still shy, and he didn't want to sit too close together. "No."

"Come on. I made your favorite."

Michael nodded and noticed that Gob was letting him cheat on his bland diet again. So he sprinkled on more salt and said appreciatively, "It's good."

"I got candy beans too." Gob nuzzled him and kissed his neck.

Michael sighed and was tempted to kiss him back. But then the phone rang again, and he jumped. "Oh God."

"The machine will get it," Gob said.

Michael got up anyway and headed into Lindsay's room to hear the message. Lucille said, "I'm coming over now. We've got to discuss your father." Then Michael listened to the older message and panicked. "Oh my God, she's moving in!"

"What?" Gob came in, and Michael replayed the message. Then Gob looked confused. "But Oscar was just here, wasn't he?"

Michael was tired of lying and making up excuses. "Never mind! They're all coming over here, to stay." He took that as a sign that they couldn't keep having sex. "That's it. I've gotta get dressed, and you've gotta get out of here."

"No, Mikey."

"I've gotta clean up the bed." He hurried back into the master bedroom and moved the tray off the bed.

Gob helped him change the sheets, but still argued, "Don't worry. We'll talk them out of it. You know Mom. We'll send her to a five star hotel instead. Or better yet, we could go to a hotel."

"No! No more. Dump this water and put away the sponges." Then Michael rushed to his closet, shutting the door.

Gob sighed and finished cleaning up.

Lucille arrived at the model home, and called out, "Michael!"

The brothers came downstairs together, though Michael kept Gob at a distance with his crutches. "I'm here, Mom. Uh, where's Buster and Oscar? Getting the bags?"

"No, actually, we're not moving here after all."

"Great!" Gob grinned and glanced at his brother.

Michael remained nervous. "Oh, what happened? Did they catch the intruder?"

"Not exactly. There wasn't a break-in at all, and I had to send the police away."

"Oh, so nothing happened?" Michael thought it must be a false alarm, like when Lucille faked a break-in to get attention this past Christmas.

She replied, "No, something did happen, Michael! Gob, get me a drink." She crossed into the living room and decided to sit on the coffee table, instead of the sofa, where Lindsay had been having sex.

Lucille waited for Michael to sit down on the armchair and lay his crutches against the ottoman, then she continued, "Your father was behind the whole thing. Apparently he was trying to kidnap Oscar and get revenge."

"He what?" Michael was shocked and upset with his father.

Gob looked up too. "So it was really Dad? That part's true?"

"Yes. It was definitely him." Lucille glanced at Gob to judge whether he was sincerely ignorant, and decided that he probably didn't know. So she looked at Michael. "Gene Parmesan stopped him, but he got knocked out too, and George escaped before the police arrived."

"Wow!" Gob said, and brought Lucille her drink. Then he tried to sit right next to Michael, but had to settle for the arm instead. "Oh wait, was that Dad we saw today?"

"What?" Lucille sat up. "You saw him?"

Michael looked nervous and shrugged.

Gob said, "Yeah, that must have been him, Mikey! He was pretending to be Oscar. He fooled us all."

"Tell me more," Lucille demanded, and kept watching Michael's face.

Gob told her all he knew, and was clearly unaware of Tobias being in cahoots with George Sr. "I wonder how he picked up Tobias, after escaping?"

Lucille said, "I'd like to talk to Tobias too. Do you know where they went?"

"Nope. I thought they were going back to your apartment."

"And what do you think, Michael?"

He saw the knowing look in her eyes and desperately hoped that she didn't know about him and Gob as well. "I don't know. Wherever Mrs. Featherbottom lives I guess."

"Maybe you should look for them, Mom," Gob suggested. "I'll stay and take care of Michael."

Michael blushed and looked away.

Lucille remained suspicious. "Are you sure you don't know what attic they might have gone to?"

"Attic?" Gob corrected her, "No, I told you, Mom. They already got the clothes out of the attic."

Lucille said sharply, "I know. Michael, is there anything else you can tell me?"

Michael said, "Uh, I think Tobias showed up at the Bluth Company this morning." He omitted mentioning that he also had Tobias banned from the offices.

Lucille sighed and decided to go. "Fine. I'll go check. But if you happen to hear from your father again, I'd like to know." She finished her drink, then left.

Gob was happy, and tried to kiss Michael again.

"No! She was just here."

"But she's gone."

Michael got up on his crutches and decided to go upstairs.

Gob followed him eagerly. "Yeah, let's finish our snack and have sex again."

"No! Anybody could come back at any minute. We were just lucky."

"Then let's go to a hotel."

"What, and let a bunch of maids know that we had sex?"

"We could give fake names. I could make us fake IDs."

"No, people would still recognize us and know we were brothers."

"Then let's drive out of town."

"We don't have a car."

They continued to argue all the way up to bed.


	11. Getaway Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael makes up with Gob, and Lucille finally tells Lindsay about Nana's will. Meanwhile, Aunt Emily and Annyong discuss Phase 2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just like Michael suffered major injuries in _Sword of Destiny_ , yet was fine in the next episode, Gob fell from a crane in _Afternoon Delight_ , yet was fine in the next episode. So he must have recovered offscreen. Gob will mention that.

In the upstairs hallway, Michael awkwardly kept Gob back with one crutch, while at the same time trying to shut and lock the bedroom door on him. This did not work, though, and Gob just grabbed hold of the crutch to pull him closer.

"Hey!" Michael stumbled forward and stepped on Gob's foot again with his cast.

"Ow!" Gob yanked his foot away, making him fall and pull Michael down with him. They and the crutches landed in a heap on the floor.

"(Bleep)!" Michael grimaced and groaned, because the fall had strained his many injuries, and possibly given him some new ones.

Gob had his share of bruises too, yet he said with a jovial smile, "You hurt? I'll kiss it better."

"No!" Michael tried to get up despite his pain, but his cast was stuck between the crutches.

Gob hugged him and insisted, "Come on, Mikey! You didn't care about getting caught when we kissed on the stairs."

Michael finally met his brother's eyes and sighed. "I-I know." He had been rather reckless and impulsive then; anyone could have suddenly come home or seen them through the windows.

Michael stopped fighting and returned Gob's embrace, which somewhat eased his myriad aches. He kissed him and whispered, "But we have to be more careful now."

"Sure." Gob nodded and kissed him back. He gently helped disentangle Michael's leg from the crutches, then adjusted Michael to a more comfortable position, lying against him. "We can lock your door, and cover up that vent."

Michael remained worried. "It's not just that, Gob. When we're talking to Mom or somebody, you can't sit that close to me, or--"

"Why not?" Gob asked. "We sat together before, when Mom came over with Buster. And Lindsay saw us wrestling on the floor, but she didn't care either. You just gotta relax. That's why you got an ulcer, guy."

Michael sighed. "I know." With all the years of stress from his job and his family, it was a wonder that he hadn't lost his hair too.

Gob caressed that lovely hair and said, "Come on, I'll teach you how to have fun." He started to move them toward the bedroom, but Michael winced as they got up from the floor. So Gob asked him seriously, "You okay? You need your painkillers?"

Michael grunted and nodded. "Yeah."

"Okay." He gingerly helped Michael into the room and sat him down on the bed. Gob got Michael's medication from the nightstand and handed him the glass of water from the bed tray. After Michael took the pills, Gob started playfully feeding him candy beans, but Michael warned him to get the door first.

"Oh right." So he retrieved the crutches from the hallway and locked the door.

Meanwhile, Michael ate more candy beans to distract himself from the pain.

As Gob joined him again, he found Michael's ripped pajama pants on the floor, and he laughed.

Michael said, "I shouldn't have let you ruin a perfectly good pair of pajamas."

"But you liked it, Mikey."

"I know," Michael admitted, "but I shouldn't have." He shouldn't have liked any of it, but Gob was irresistible.

Then Gob looked up at the vent and got an idea. "Hey, maybe we can use this to cover that." He folded up the pants to make a thicker layer, then looked for some tape, to affix his makeshift blind. Michael suggested using some detachable clothing hooks instead and pointed him to a drawer by his closet door.

After gathering his supplies, Gob climbed up and covered the vent.

Michael warned him not to bang on the wall too hard, because the model home always fell apart easily. Once Gob finished, Michael said with a shrug, "I guess that'll have to do until it gets fixed tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?"

Michael explained about the workmen who would come to repair the house. "That's what I called Ted about earlier, to get this room soundproofed and have that vent sealed."

Gob sat beside him with a grin. "Oh, so you were planning for us to have sex all along, huh? You're such a tease, Mikey!"

Michael blinked. "What? No, Gob. I-I just didn't want anybody to overhear us arguing, or see us wrestling on the bed, or--oh never mind." Those repairs would really come in handy now.

"Hey, while they're fixing up the room tomorrow, we can go to a hotel like I said. Yeah, we'll say that you need some sleep, then we'll borrow a car and drive out of town together."

Michael thought that this sounded plausible enough. "As long as it's not the staircar." The giant Bluth Company logo on it would defeat any attempt at anonymity.

"Right. But for now," Gob pulled Michael close and growled low, "those pills working for you yet?"

For answer, Michael kissed him and pushed the tray back onto the chest at the foot of the bed. They made out again, and lay down together. Michael asked Gob to be more careful about taking off his pants this time. He didn't need to ruin another pair.

"You should wear my stripper pants," Gob suggested again.

"Yeah." Michael eagerly yanked the pants right off his brother.

Since they had just changed the sheets, Gob asked if he wanted to go into the bathroom this time.

That made Michael nervous, though. "I, uh, I don't know about you... (bleep)ing me. Not yet." Maybe not ever.

Gob remembered Michael's scared reaction earlier, so he agreed. "Yeah, we should probably wait until you get better. But there's other stuff we can do with bath oils. Come on." Gob pulled his brother from the bed and into the bathroom.

"Uh, but if the phone rings, then we have to stop and answer it." He didn't want to be surprised again.

"Okay, okay." Gob left the door open so that they could hear the phone from the other room.

As they undressed, Gob plugged in the stopper and started to fill the bathtub with warm water. Michael reminded him that they shouldn't get his cast wet, so Gob perched him on the rim of the tub, with a towel covering the cast. But he continued to get the rest of him naked.

Once the water was ready, Gob stepped into the tub and half pulled Michael in with him. They kissed passionately and once more washed each other with soapy sponges. Making love was a little awkward, with Michael's cast dangling over the edge of the tub, but Gob knew various techniques from when he was previously injured.

"Remember when Buster dropped me from that crane at the Christmas party?" He had been hospitalized for a while, but of course he never failed to hit on his nurses, male and female.

"Shut up." Michael just wanted Gob all to himself.

* * *

Narrator: Meanwhile, Lucille looked for her fugitive husband, and his accomplice.

At the Bluth Company, Lucille asked Starla if she had seen Tobias.

Starla grinned and said, "No, not since he was banned from the office, by order of the acting president."

"Banned?" Lucille barged into the president's office and asked Ted what Tobias had done when he was here earlier.

Ted only let Lucille interrupt his work because she was the CEO. "Well, I think he was looking for Gob at first, and then he tried to fire Starla." He whispered, "I think he's mad at her for leaking that video, but we can't fire her because she said she'll sue, for rabies discrimination."

Lucille wasn't interested. "Did he say anything about where he was going afterward?"

"No, not really. Then Michael called me, and he said that I could have security ban Tobias from the building."

"Michael said that?!" Michael had told her to look for Tobias at the office. Now she was really suspicious. "He was just trying to get me out of the house. He's in on it with George!"

"What?"

Lucille started to leave and call Michael angrily, but her phone rang, and Lindsay wanted to yell at her.

"How could you, Mom? You lied to me about Nana's will. There was another copy at the bank all this time, and you wouldn't let me see it. You even sent a copy to Aunt Emily, but not to me!"

Confused, Lucille exited the office and headed for the elevator. "Emily? I didn't send any copy to her."

"Yes you did. The bank people just said so! They won't even let me see a copy without your written permission. How much money did Nana have? What did she leave me?"

Lucille hushed her. "That's not important, Lindsay! I never told them to send my sister a copy." She gasped. "Oh no! First my letter about Annyong went missing, and now the bank's getting fake letters from me? Who could be doing this?!"

Lindsay finally calmed down. "You mean, you think it's the same guy who stole the trust fund money?"

"Yes. At first I thought it was your father, because he snuck into town to kidnap Oscar, but George wouldn't do this to me. Now Emily knows all about the inheritance!"

"Wait, Dad's in town?" Lindsay was surprised and hurt. "Why didn't he come visit me?"

Lucille replied scathingly, "Maybe because of that Nellie you're married to. Speaking of which, have you seen Tobias today?"

"Only this morning, when he showed up at the office looking for Gob. He left Michael at home alone, and--"

Lucille just hung up on her, then called her detective Gene to tell him all the news.

Lindsay felt frustrated that she got nowhere with her mother. However, she decided to go back to the office and try flirting with Gary again. That surely would cheer her up, she thought, and keep her occupied until Dick called her.

* * *

Narrator: Meanwhile, Aunt Emily was making plans of her own.

Clip of Emily and Annyong on the way home in her car. She tells a man over the phone about Lucille discovering the missing money. "She'll be onto us soon, so you know what to do."

"I'm on it."

"And keep collecting evidence for phase 2."

"Right." He hung up and then got out some incriminating documents, which he told his secretary to shred. He added with a scoff, though, "That clown Gene Parmesan won't find us too quickly, anyway."

Narrator: Perry Striker was Emily's private investigator. She hired him to look for the missing will, because she did not believe Lucille's lie that the only copy had been burned.

Clip of Striker visiting Lucille's many banks, talking to T-Bone about the storage unit arson, and investigating any suspicious sources of income.

Narrator: After months of searching, he finally located a copy in a bank safety deposit box, and he forged a letter from Lucille, so that a copy could be mailed to Emily.

Clip of Emily receiving the will, with the caption "one year ago."

Narrator: The will arrived with a letter mentioning the trust fund, in which Lucille had deposited the inheritance. So Emily hatched a plot for revenge, and when Lucille sent Annyong away...

Clip of Emily visiting Milford and talking to Annyong.

Narrator: ...Emily convinced her adopted nephew to help her get the money out of the trust fund. She had been prepared to falsify Annyong's age with forged documents, but she learned that Annyong was conveniently 18 already, and had told no one yet.

Clip of Annyong leaving Milford and moving into Emily's luxurious house. Clip of Striker stealing letters from the bank, to prevent Lucille from finding out.

Narrator: Now that their scheme was discovered, Emily planned to leave the country.

At home, Emily and Annyong ate a hurried lunch, while the servants packed for the trip.

Wanting to twist the knife, Emily said, "Perhaps I'll send Lucille a postcard from the Cayman Islands, saying that we're enjoying Spring Break with Mama's money. Then she'll know and be busy searching for us." She laughed wickedly, "But all the while, we'll really be in Switzerland enjoying the chocolate and the Alps."

Annyong said, "Then we put her in jail."

"Yes. It's just a question of finding the evidence. She's always managed to pin her crimes on George so far. But Mr. Striker will find something damning for phase 2."

However, just as Emily selected her finest furs to be packed, her butler came to tell her that she had unexpected visitors. He looked worried. "They're from the FBI, ma'am."

"FBI? Oh no."

While Emily could explain her revenge as being just, given Lucille's lies about their dead mother, she could still get into trouble for tampering with the mail. That was a federal offense.

Narrator: Annyong thought that Lucille had ratted them out.

He asked, "How she find out so fast?"

"I don't know. Don't panic. Just wait here and don't say anything." Emily hurried to the door and just hoped that Striker had shredded everything already.

* * *

Back at the house, Gob and Michael had finished their erotic bath, and they returned to bed for a nap. They were naked and mostly dry, except for their still damp hair. Michael settled cozily under the blankets, but Gob was not sleepy.

Sitting up, he picked at the now cold food on the bed tray, then ate the candy beans instead. "This is why we should go to a hotel, Mikey. We can get room service."

Michael nodded and smiled, realizing that Gob could not really cook. The various snacks that Gob had brought him lately were leftovers and junk food. They merely tasted good in contrast to everything that Michael had eaten at the hospital or during the bland dinner. Even though he was cheating on his doctor-ordered diet, Michael's ulcer was not bothering him at all because he was so relaxed. Of course, that could also be the extra dose of medication he just took.

With a yawn, Michael asked, "What if we can't borrow a car? Mom might not give us her car." Lucille would probably be mad once she discovered his lie.

Gob answered, "Well, then we'll rent a car, guy." He got up and put on his robe. "I'll make us some fake IDs."

"Okay."

Gob kissed him, then unlocked the door and took the tray downstairs.

* * *

Narrator: Lucille met with Gene Parmesan, who told her how his investigation went.

"So far, it all looks it legit. Annyong really is 18, and he withdrew the money himself."

"That's impossible!"

"No, I checked it all out at the bank. Plus, I called Milford to see if Annyong missed class on that day. It turns out, no one has seen the kid there for a month."

"A month?! It's a boarding school. How could they lose him and not tell me?"

"They thought that he was just getting good at being neither seen nor heard. But some witnesses did see somebody in a big black car come to visit Annyong at around that time, so I'm thinking, he must have gone with them. Could have been his ride to the bank too."

"I knew it wasn't him! It was some criminal mastermind, who kidnapped Annyong and used him like a puppet. Poor Annyong probably didn't even know that he was stealing that money."

Gene shrugged.

Narrator: Actually, Annyong wanted revenge even before meeting Emily.

Clip with the caption "the talking room, two months ago"

Annyong says to a classmate bitterly, "This school suck. How I speak better English, if nobody talk here? Old lady don't want me around anymore, while she cheat with Uncle Oscar. I show her! She don't know my real age yet. She don't know anything."

Narrator: After her lunch with Gene Parmesan, Lucille decided to call Michael once again.

He was sleepy when he answered his cell phone. "Hello?"

"You lied to me, Michael. Are you scheming with your father and Tobias?"

He sighed. "No, I'm not. In fact, I hope I never see them again. Or Mrs. Featherbottom."

"But you did see them before, didn't you? That videotape of you and your father in the attic--have you been hiding him at the house?"

"How can I hide him when he's constantly running around town and trying to kidnap people? I hope the police catch him."

"Not before I get to him! Where is he?"

"I honestly don't know or care. Try calling Tobias."

"I have. He won't ans--"

Michael heard Gob coming back, so he said, "Mom, I gotta go. I'm sick, you know, and I need to rest. Can you just handle this yourself?" Then he hung up and put the phone on the nightstand.

Gob joined him in bed and asked teasingly, "Were you calling Ted again?"

Michael smiled. "No, it's just Mom. She's still trying to find Dad."

"Oh good. That'll keep her busy." He kissed Michael and added, "For a second, I thought you were gonna try to work again. You know, get Ted to send you some blueprints."

Michael laughed and shook his head. "Nah. I'm on vacation."

"Yeah." Gob grinned. "We can be naughty together."

They embraced, and Michael didn't even mind messing up the freshly changed sheets. Gob was teaching him how to have fun.

* * *

Meanwhile, Lucille said irritably, "Michael!" She hung up, then dialed another number.

Lindsay answered the call with a question: "Are you gonna tell me about Nana's will or not?" She had to stop flirting with Gary, and she had little patience right now.

"Lindsay, I can't get to my papers at that bank yet. The police are still looking through everything, and who knows when they'll be finished?"

"That's very convenient for you! Don't you have another copy somewhere else?"

"No, dear. Just the other one that burned in the storage unit last year. I'm so sorry."

Narrator: But she wasn't.

Lucille asked, "Lindsay, can you call Tobias and find out where he's gone with George? Don't tell him that I asked you. Say that you want Mrs. Featherbottom to come clean the house or something."

"I'll do it if you tell me about the will."

"I don't remember what's in it," Lucille stalled, but Lindsay said, "Yeah, right!"

So Lucille tried to be diplomatic. "All right, as soon as the investigation's over, I'll have Barry pick it up at the bank and send you a copy. Satisfied?"

Lindsay didn't trust her. "No, tell me what's in the will right now. Who knows if it won't accidentally burn up before I get my copy?"

Lucille gave in. "Fine. Nana still had 3 million and she left it all to me and Emily." She added with a scoff, "Hoping that we'd reconcile."

"She didn't leave anything to me?"

"No, dear. You were not her favorite."

"Yes I was! Besides, she always used to send checks for Maeby's birthday."

Lucille said, "Oh, well, she may have left $100,000 for Maeby to go to college, but let's face it, that's never going to happen."

"Mom!"

"She's not bright enough, and even if we bought her way in, she'd probably drop out just like you did."

"That's just so--!"

"If you don't tell her about it, I'll give you Maeby's inheritance."

That certainly quelled Lindsay's outrage. "Oh, uh, well good. I can invest it, for Maeby's sake. I'll start another business with it and make lots of money this time."

Lucille tried to hide her sarcasm. "I'm sure you will." She knew that Lindsay would probably spend the money on clothes rather than a business anyway. "Now dear, will you please call Tobias?"

"All right." So Lindsay hung up and called her husband.

Narrator: Tobias was hiding out with George Sr. on the set of the TV show, _Scandalmakers_. Filming had already wrapped up for Tobias's episode, but he and George Sr. managed to sneak onto the lot while posing as extras for the next episode.

In a dressing room, George Sr. still had his wig on and was looking through all the costumes while Tobias watched the news on a TV.

When his cellphone rang, Tobias answered, "Oh, uh, hi Lindsay." He tried to act casual. "Heard anything lately?"

"Just that Annyong's money got stolen from Mom's bank." Lindsay was tempted to mention the failed kidnapping too, but didn't know enough details. Besides, Lucille didn't want to be implicated. "Where are you? I was looking for you at the office."

"Oh, um, I'm just at work. I-I just got a new acting gig, you know, in Hollywood. I told you I could be a success."

She rolled her eyes. "Well, what about Mrs. F? She's supposed to be cleaning the house, and looking after Michael."

"Well, excuse me!" he said resentfully, "Gob told me that he was taking care of Michael and he didn't need Mrs. Featherbottom around."

"He did?" Lindsay was surprised that Gob wasn't goofing off, or else getting more candy beans for Michael. "Well, he's wrong because somebody needs to keep Michael on his diet, and somebody needs to clean the house."

"Somebody like a British housekeeper?" Tobias wanted to feel needed, and also for Lindsay to say that she knew he was Mrs. Featherbottom.

But George started gesturing at Tobias to get off the phone.

"I'm sorry, they need me on set. Bye, Lindsay!"

George told him, "It's a trap. Lucille must have talked to her. Yeah, just a trick to get us to come back. I bet Gene Parmesan woke up, and now Lucille wants to grill us about that whole kidnapping thing." He knew how his wife's devious mind worked.

"Oh. And we gotta hide out from the police too."

"Yeah. So let's stay put for a couple of hours." As he put on a new hat and sunglasses, he said, "Come on. Let's hit the craft services table." So they hurried away for a snack.


End file.
